11:37am, pacific standard time, Santa Ana/Orange County/John Wayne Airport, Santa Ana, California, USA, Monday morning, October 17, 2022. Waiting for my flight to Oakland. It was a good weekend in Orange County. Since learning of my new assignment in Palm Desert I have felt at peace. The future, present and past are in balance, which feels nice. Today is the 16 year anniversary of my dad’s death. Lots of memories of him and where I was sixteen years ago. I was working as a hospice chaplain in Ogden, Utah. When we heard the news we gathered in Wyoming the rest of the week and had the memorial service on the 20th. I miss him and wonder who I would be if he hadn’t died at the age of 65. I guess some answers will never be known.
Tag: dad
I wonder if he would be proud?
6:46pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Wednesday evening, September 28, 2022. Notable things from today; I spent time at the office in Dublin catching up on reports. I came back to the hotel this evening and enjoyed a quiet dinner and I had a good workout this morning. On a personal note; I have been thinking about my dad the last couple of days. It will be sixteen years next month since he passed away. I wonder if he would be proud of who I have become?
Memorial Day 2022
4:27pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday afternoon, May 30, 2022, Memorial Day. Left Orange County early to beat traffic but, it wasn’t necessary. In fact, it was the fastest trip across the desert so far. I even had time for a quick nap afterwards. My mom sent pictures of the graves in Wyoming this morning. Everything looks nice. She always does a good job. Seeing the pictures brought back fond memories of my brother and dad.
Depression from avoidance
My brother and my dad lie in graves side by side in the cemetery in Evanston Wyoming. My dad died at the age of 65. My brother, 46. Both had health problems. Both suffered from depression. I know that because I am constantly susceptible to depression myself. The dark times of feeling alone no matter how many people are around me or love me. Sometimes I feel what I do in life is meaningless. Usually the feeling subsides before I get too despondent.
One source of my depression is the desire to try and escape the pressure of life. I tried for years to eradicate, or at least avoid, conflict or confrontation. I even considered that the goal of a life well lived. I searched for a place to live where I felt I was content. I looked for a job where I felt valued without being stressed. I wanted to do my job, travel home and safely envelope myself in my preferred distractions, hidden far enough away that I did have to deal with situations that were negative. But the more I stripped my life of risk, conflict or stress the more meaningless I felt. I ended up more depressed because I lacked purpose.
Stress and conflict are painful parts of existence, but they are necessary parts. Just like too much of them can do harm, too little can hurt as well.