Night

7:58pm There are certain things I would always think about at night. I didn’t like thinking about them so I tried to distract myself. But then I would think about failure along with things I didn’t want to think about. The first thing I thought about was work. I would imagine the end of my career. How I wouldn’t have to work any more. The sweet release of freedom when I quit. Euphoria would wash over me. I obsessed over the weeks and months I had been working. The second thing I always thought about was the WIL. How her hair fell over her shoulders, the taste of her lips. I would get frustrated and begin reading a magazine or a book. Anything to change my thoughts for a brief second.

Peace in the suffering

8:57am Saturday morning, palm desert. I often get anxious and frustrated. When I can’t quickly find peace I begin to panic. I start to believe I am trapped in an awful situation with no way out. I think about running away. Of trying to escape. Of death and dying. I would do anything to stop the suffering. Sometimes I go for walks. Get drunk. Try to distract myself. Then when I don’t think I can endure any longer the moment passes. I look back and wonder how it got so desperate. How I almost broke. I vow to change my circumstances. To change who I am. To never make myself that vulnerable again. But before long I feel happiness. I enjoy a moment of peace. At those times I forget how scared I was. What was at stake. How I nearly broke down, almost lost myself and nearly died. I go back to ignoring my worries and skip through life. Until I start to feel the fear and it starts all over again.