New boss

6:49am Wednesday. The new bosses are coming to the office today. They will arrive at 10 and leave by noon. It is an informal meeting before the acquisition closes next month. I don’t have many expectations. They didn’t choose me and I didn’t choose them. These relationships seldom work out. I will keep an open mind.

While laying in bed I thought about the importance of staying in the present. When I focus on the moment at hand I am happy. If I plan too far ahead or spend too much time thinking about the past I get sad. I don’t like being sad. I am taking time off next week to spend time in California with my daughter. That is as far as I will look ahead. Nothing else is guaranteed.

I dreamt about the WIL last night. I was an usher at a church. She walked in with her husband. Her and I didn’t talk but her husband stayed behind. He got close to me and tried to intimidate me. I kept it casual and asked how the three boys were doing. He told me the one was in the hospital. I was alarmed and asked for more details but now I can’t recall what he said. I am not sure what to make of the dream.

The WIL

2:40am Friday morning. I had a dream about the WIL. It was sweet and beautiful. We were at a family reunion. My dad was there. The WIL and I reunited and spent our time talking, kissing, holding hands. When I woke up I could feel the magnet in my chest that screams only for her pulling strong. For years (and most of these posts) I focused on what she is to me. I forgot that I am something to her.

Thursday morning

5:46am Thursday morning. My dreams were filled with thoughts of running away, starting over, going some place new and feeling reborn. Memories of childhood flashed through my mind and tears welled in my eyes. Why is it so hard to find peace? Where can I go to feel contentment? To feel the storm inside me calm even if just for a moment?

The me of me

12:14am in bed Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I woke up from a dream ready to start over. Completely over. It is time to Re-examine the me of me. My arbitrary viewpoints are fluid. My perceived values are open. I Filter my personality and wash out that which doesn’t serve me. I am confident, happy and secure.,

Last voicemail

5:43am Tuesday morning. Sitting on my couch. Chandler. For a while the voicemail feature on my phone was not working properly. I could call and check messages but I could not see the history. I didn’t know how many messages I had or how far back they went. Not too long ago the feature started working again. I could see the messages. So I scrolled down and realized I had the last voicemail from the WIL. She left it for me almost a year and a half ago, the day after her husband found out about us. I have known it is there for a couple of weeks but I chose not to listen to it. The thought of hearing her voice and reliving the moment felt traumatic. However this morning a thought nagged at me. Was she waiting for me to contact her? Was she sad and confused I haven’t reached out? I had mulled this over many times in the last year and a half and always came to the conclusion it is not my place to take the imitative. When my wife found out about us it was up to me to make sure the coast was clear and we could at least talk. Still I wanted to be absolutely sure there was no question I should wait to hear from her first. I decided to risk the emotional pain and listen to the voicemail. I put the voicemail on play and heard her voice. She explained how the situation was fraught. That there was a “mirroring” app on her phone, a gps on her car. That she had to get tested for std’s and was going to be excommunicated from her church. . The message went on for almost two minutes. Finally she said good bye. it was the last time I ever heard from her. The next day she tried to call me when I was in a meeting. She didn’t leave a voicemail but texted me and asked if I could talk. I said “yes.” She never replied to that text or tried calling again. It has been over 500 days now. I realize She is gone. That I will probably never talk to her again. But the fire is never totally extinguished. So many years so many memories. Hopes, dreams, feelings came to end with a frantic last goodbye. “I promise I will contact you as soon as I can but please don’t text or call my phone because he will know and it just makes things really bad so…okay…I love you…Bye.”

Perspective

7:53am I am able to find perspective. That reduces my anxiety. I can step outside my situation, be objective. Work has issues. One of the issues is low referral volume. I am fixing it. Instead of spiraling to despair I stay level. I address the issue. I have other ones to work on. I will address them like I do everything else. That is what I am paid to do. I had a dream last night. I was taking blame for issues at work. Then someone mentioned a professional basketball player and his problems in the playoffs. I said I would take blame for that. I caught myself in my dream. It was so absurd I realized I was just piling on problems whether I created them or not. This site had issues before I got here. I am committed to working on them, improving and growing.

The Dream Addiction

The dopamine high is one of the biggest traps I fall into. I start to work on my project. I come up with a good idea. Once I feel I am right on the verge of achieving my dreams my body floods with dopamine. I get the best high possible.
I got my fix. So instead of pressing on and achieving my objective I stay in the moment, relishing the feeling of satisfaction without really achieving anything until the high wears off then I go start working on my objective again but pulling up when I get another high. It is the dream addiction.