Tag: emotional

Utah update: May 15

7:13am, pacific standard time, airport in Salt Lake City, Utah, USA, Sunday morning, May 15, 2022. We left Henderson early yesterday morning and drove straight to Mesquite, Nevada. After gambling a little our trip continued north. We arrived in Salt Lake City at 4pm. For dinner we selected burgers and beers downturn. When we finished mom was tired and wanted to turn in for the evening. I dropped her off at the hotel and continued on alone, driving around for a couple of hours, visiting various places, taking stock of what was new. So much has changed since I lived here, yet it all looks so familiar. A lot of memories are rushing through my mind right now. It is an emotional morning.

The end of guilt

5:31am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 4, 2022. Feeling guilty is a constant companion in my life. Many times, I experience guilt without knowing a single reason why. In those incidences, when I am out in the emotional cold so to speak, my mind searches for the cause of my culpability, with no result being too absurd: a long misremembered childhood incident, calling a co-worker by the wrong name or a fumbled exchange in the grocery store line. All of them silly thoughts that serve no purpose other than to create a moment of internal embarrassment that is quickly forgotten. But there are other times the cause and effect of guilt is more severe; a missed opportunity to hug a lost loved one, failing to arrive on time for an important milestone as a parent or breaking the solemn vows of marriage. In those instances the internal emotion of guilt is often profound and lasts much longer. Yet, regardless of the reason the common theme in both those cases are the guilt emanates from inside. I can no longer be in a relationship where the other person deliberately tries to make me feel guilty. Life is hard enough without someone conspiring to bring me down. Nobody deserves that. I can feel guilty enough all on my own.

The last time

12:35pm the last time the WIL and I were physically together she asked me if I had been with someone else. She asked out of curiosity. Not anger not accusing. That she would ask me broke my heart. I interpreted it that she wanted to confess she had been with someone and wanted to feel better thinking I had as well. The truth is I had been with a couple of other people at that time. Nothing serious. A couple of random hook ups. But I said no. I professed my purity. It sounded fake even to me. But I couldn’t have that conversation with her. Even though my body had been with someone else my heart and soul had not. That is still the case two years later. It is frustrating. I accept the WIL is gone. I accept she has moved on. I want to move on but still feel twisted up. I can’t be intimate, I can’t date because that emotional connection is still with her. I feel like I gave her a gift I can’t get back. And though she doesn’t care for it and I need it she still keeps it. She hasn’t felt the need to reach out to me for physical or emotional comfort in over a year. I just want to let go like she has so I can reclaim my life. No hard feelings.

Funk

3:51pm went to the facility to get the contract signed. The administrator wasn’t there. Talked to a nurse. She was rude and wouldn’t sign the form. A nice cap to an emotional week. The last three weeks have been a downer. I am in a funk. I don’t feel optimistic.

get pulled away

I am sitting here writing and I can see how I get pulled away. It is the squares. I come up with a good idea, I right it down and then I want to flit away and not keep pressing and moving forward. I want to just bask in the emotional high that I came up with something decent then spend the rest of the day building dreams in my head about how I am going to write a million dollar book and speak to enthralled audiences.