Tag: emotions

I am drained

5:49pm, pacific standard time, hotel in San Bernardino, California, USA, Tuesday evening, September 13, 2022. Today started with me conducting an emotionally charged meeting. By the time it was over I felt exhausted. But with no time to regroup I went to the branch office and did one-on-one training for seven hours. Now I am drained. The rest of my evening is dinner and sports television followed by reading a new book.

I end up feeling empty

7:14pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, January 20, 2022. Why do I watch people live life rather than actually have relationships? I sit on my couch, passively observing others compete, travel, converse, solve problems and face adversity while I do nothing. I am trapped in a vicious circle; Interacting with people physically drains me, yet watching them makes me feel emotionally vacant. I can’t win. Either way I end up feeling empty.

Audience

5:49am the way I post and what I share differs greatly depending on the audience I imagine as I write. Sometimes I write for my future self. Other times I write for strangers. Sometimes The WIL. Lately I have been picturing my wife and daughter finding this blog now or after I die. I believe the posts are most real and honest when I selfishly do it just for me to go back and read. I recently found a handwritten journal I kept from when I was did a clinical pastoral rotation at St. Mark’s hospital in 1996. While I tried to be honest in the journal I failed to capture the scene of what I experienced. As I read the journal I kept wanting more information. I wanted to know more about who I talked with. What they were like. The words they said. I wanted deeper analysis of what I was thinking. I wanted to know my hopes, fears and emotions. Because of the experience if finding the journal and realizing what is missing I am a better writer. when I am cognizant of my desire for more information I write more engaging material.

More than a feeling

9:44am Wednesday. I had to run out to a community this morning to get a revocation form signed for a hospice patient that chose to go to the hospital. After I got the form signed I drove home Instead of going back to the office. I made myself a bowl of sugar cereal. Cereal seems such an odd concept. Sugary crispy ground up corn with milk poured over it. It tasted good. Just seems odd at the moment. This morning driving to work I bawled my eyes out. Not eyes slightly watering. True tears running down my cheeks sobbing bawling. I had been thinking all morning about quitting my job, becoming a PRN chaplain. Doing what I love instead of stressing all the time. I didn’t want to go to work. I wanted to blow the day off, go for a drive, watch a movie. Write something. But left for work at my usual time and took my usual route. Halfway there the song More Than a Feeling by the band Boston came on the radio. After the morning I had I set myself up to be emotionally vulnerable. The lyrics of the song coupled with the memories associated with hearing it hit me hard. I could not stop crying. I had a hard time concentrating on the road. I drove the rest of the way singing and wiping tears off my cheek. I got to the office about ten minutes to 8am and took a minute to compose myself. When I felt better I grabbed my bag, locked my car up and walked in. I am not crying any more I feel haunted by memories. “So many people have come and gone. Their faces fade as the years go by. Yet I still recall as I wander on. As clear as the sun in the summer sky.”

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.

Saturday morning

4:19am Saturday morning. Heading out the door. Driving to Orange County. My thoughts are swirling as I think about work and love. The questions I ask in both circumstances are similar. Do I focus on perseverance or self-preservation? Do I remain loyal to an employer or a lover? Is my partner loyal to me? When I feel uncertainty do I hold on tighter or let go completely? Do I have the ability to make a logical choice or do emotions rule my action? What is my identity in a relationship? Will I ever find peace or will I always be frustrated?

Salvation please

7:25pm Friday night, I want to be saved. To find success. Or even stability. My mind is exhausted. I think a million thoughts that add up to nothing. I have written over 1000 posts. Do they matter to anyone but me? I should solicit an audience, try and connect. Someone needs to knows I am alive. That I have thoughts. That I feel emotions. Why do I stay hidden yet want to be known? I wear myself the fuck out

Writing

5:36am Thursday when I write it is like taking a picture. It is one single moment Frozen. The emotions before and after that moment are swirling. A post like this pulls one thread from my thoughts, puts it on display and says “here is what I am thinking.” However even as I write I am aware of what I don’t say. All the other thoughts, threads and emotions. If I could capture what my mind is doing right now the narrative would be lost. Words would be jumbled, picture would be flashing in and out. viewpoints would instantly change. Worries would pop up then subside. I don’t stop thinking. I mull over feelings, ideas, beliefs. I push to the extreme until my ribs ache with anxiety. Then I spend hours trying to undo the knot. I write to have something for all I go through.