You wouldn’t think you could feel so empty

6:29pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, April 12, 2022. Our pet betta fish was dead when I got home from work yesterday. She had been sick for a while so it wasn’t really a big surprise. Still, that doesn’t make it easier to accept. Every time I walk through the kitchen I am reminded she’s not there. Her aquarium was cleaned and put away last night, replaced by an empty space on the kitchen counter, right below the cabinet where the coffee is stored. You wouldn’t think you could feel so empty, just because a little fish is gone, but you’d be wrong. Without another living thing to keep me company the silence becomes even more depressing. I am glad she isn’t suffering any more but, right now, I really miss her.

A Dark Cloud of Emptiness

7:08am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, December 19, 2021. A dark cloud of emptiness resides in every soul. This cloud causes you to feel sad and alone. You ask, “Why is this cloud here? Where did it come from? How do I get rid of it?” To which there will be no answer. So you dream, scheme, move, change, grow, conquer, rise, fall, love and lose, all trying to eradicate the intruder. But no matter what, you won’t succeed. For life is defined by two things; the adventure you have trying to defeat the cloud, and the nobility you show realizing you never can.

Family left

6:56am my family left Arizona to go back to Orange County. They got on the road at 5am. I went for a walk after they pulled out. Then I went and worked out, came back to the apartment, made a cup of coffee and cleaned up a little. I miss having them here. There is the feeling of two apartments. When they are here the apartment is filled with energy, bodies and stuff. The girls are playing games, watching videos and ready for adventure. When they are gone the apartment is empty, quiet and depressing.

Affirmation

3:40pm to be loved by the WIL was to be affirmed. All I cared about was her opinion. If she loved me I was doing it right. Whatever “it” was. Now I am no longer part of her life. That energy no longer exists for me. To be outside that energy after feeling it for so many years leaves my soul empty.

Last week

6:27am memories of last week have been coming back all morning. I loved waking up and taking the dog for a walk. Going to work out or staying at the apartment drinking coffee. The place was filled with love and life. Now it feels empty. I look forward to them coming back soon.