Tag: failure

Overcoming the fallout

As an adult, I never had debt (except for car and house payments) until the summer 2017. At that point, with a significant amount of money saved up, I quit my corporate job and started a business from home. At first, the decision was exhilarating; I woke up every morning driven by purpose and peered into a future with endless possibility. There was no doubt in my mind; financial independence and peaceful days spent at the beach were just around the corner. But, before long, revenue stagnated and expenses increased. By the end of year one all my cash had run out. To stay afloat I dipped into long held CD’s and mutual funds; not just to support the business, but to cover basic household expenses, like rent and groceries. When that money was gone I took a chunk out of retirement before resorting to unsecured loans and credit card debt. By the time I went back to work I was broke with no savings and over $75,000 in debt. For the past year and a half I have worked to bring that sum under control. There is still a large amount to be paid back but, I am proud to say, it is considerably smaller, and I can see the path out. Ironically, the lesson learned was not achieving financial acumen by growing a successful business but rather, learning how to deal with money by overcoming the fallout of a failed one.

Learning a hard lesson

7:04am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, March 20, 2022. The first talk of job cuts happened Friday afternoon. I called my supervisor regarding another matter but she brought up the hard truth instead. I understand. Things are not going well and there isn’t a quick fix on the horizon. The situation is beyond frustrating for everyone involved. I personally feel incapacitated, like watching a slow motion disaster unfold; I can see the horror happening, but am helpless to stop it. In the past, I focused on what that meant to me; loss of direct income, family instability, bruising of personal pride. But today is different. Today I feel I let down those that depend on the businesses success to care for their families and sustain households. It is a crushing weight to bear and I feel every ounce of it. I am learning a hard lesson; there is no nobility in failure. Merely trying is not enough. I need to get better, improve my skills, or I am of no value to anyone else.

Sunday night

8:18pm I am in a resentful mood. I have been at this job for six months. Things should be settling in. Instead I am dealing with constant upheaval. That creates a battle inside me. half of me wants to do what I always do. own the failure. Blame myself. The other half refuses to take blame. That half of me is pissed this situation was so bad to begin with. I like the latter half of me. I will not take the blame for this garbage heap.

Writing

9:36am We are getting ready to leave for the activity center. It should be a fun time. Right now I am thinking about the creative pursuit of writing and what I do for work. I have come up with a new perspective. In the summer of 2002, well before my daughter was born, my wife and I moved to Valencia, California from Evanston, Wyoming. My wife kept her corporate position but I quit my job as a religious consultant for the state of Wyoming. We moved so I could be an actor and my wife could be closer to family. It was a rash adventurous decision we made as newlyweds who were sure we could conquer the world. The move was not free of tension. My wife was supportive but skeptical. While she looked forward to spending time with her sisters she wasn’t sure of my new plan for work. But I was confident. I envisioned myself auditioning for parts and easily getting jobs to pay my share of the bills. As soon as I got to California I began submitting headshots. I auditioned for some student films and got some parts but not nothing else. By the fall I realized I had neither the drive nor the talent to be a successful actor. I wasn’t terribly heartbroken. I tried and it didn’t work out. I accepted the failure but was left with a creative void. I needed to find a new pursuit. 3:09pm hanging out at the activity center, picking up where I left off. I decided I was going to be a writer. It wasn’t too much of a reach. Starting years earlier in seminary I had written some stories and started a novel. In fact I had just finished an autobiography of my youth titled “The Journey and the Destination.” In the moment I was happy. Writing was my new identity. This is noteworthy because it was during what I consider the most vibrant period of my life i.e. the time I was a hospice chaplain. In reality being a hospice chaplain was not my career choice. It was the job I did to support myself while I wrote. I loved being a chaplain. I cherish the time but I identified as a writer more than a chaplain. Just saying that reduces my anxiety. It changes how I approach work and purpose. For so long I have viewed my situation as facing a choice between sales/operations or being a chaplain. In reality I am facing a choice between sales/operations and writing. I know who I am, what I want to be. I want to be a writer. I am a writer. I simply realize I can’t expect writing to produce sustainable income. So the question I ask is, “What do I want to do to support myself while I write?”

Journeyman

9:17am I was contacted by a former sales colleague this morning. He asked me to be a reference for a new job. I said I would be happy to. I feel for the guy. He has had a similar career arc in sales that I had. He is a former athlete. Competitive guy. Really nice. But just not able to produce final results. At my present job I enjoy the work, feel I am doing good. But the census and revenue just aren’t there. My sales failure continue to dog me. Even when I am not in sales!

Crumbling

11:38pm Wednesday night in bed. The facade/image I crafted has crumbled. I am still the captain. But a large swath of self identity tastes sour. I envisioned myself a respected resource. I feel like a naive fool. I envisioned myself focused. I feels disjointed. I envisioned myself as trusted. I feel disrespected. Ironically it is complaints about other people’s behavior that destroyed me. That didn’t do their job well but I am taking it all on me. I am owning it. I am crumbling while they stupidly blindly fuck up and just float on. I am at the familiar crossroads. I want to give up. Admit defeat. It is easier than staying. Than trying to fix. I just flit. Run off to the next thing. Note: My energy is turning, getting on top of my feelings. Getting my strength back. I want to succeed. But the counter side of me wants to fail/run away. There is an emotional battle in my chest/heart/gut

No promises

When I coach people I do everything in my power to give them the opportunity to experience to achieve their objective. I make no promises or guarantees. Failure is likely. It is a high risk situation. Only if people are willing to pay, to sacrifice, to risk can they possible grow. You have to be willing to do everything in your power to achieve your objective no matter how long it takes.

Ego

The ego will roar to be fed. Achieving the objective seldom happens on the first effort. Failure leads to assessment of what went wrong. We don’t know what went wrong so we take the “facts” of what happened and determine an alternate course. Maybe the first two or three times we remain confident.

Then it happens again and again. The objective isn’t achieved. We start to doubt ability.

We can give up and not try but it is still new so we don’t do that. But we look for patterns. We see shortcomings and others don’t fix. Blame them. Blame situation. And since they have been identified we are hyper aware of them. We see failure, we see the perceived reason. We associate them.

The situation runs out, we give up or we are removed.

I worked sales on business consulting. Completed training, did ride along, practiced my pitch. I was raring to go. They sent me five leads. I failed. They sent me five more. Nothing. Four. Four. Five. It my last one had a good talk. Got farther than I ever had. I felt I was figuring it out.

Come Monday I didn’t get any leads. They said sorry. Next day sent me two. I didn’t make a sale. No leads. No leads. Complained. 2 leads. Nothing. Next Monday nothing. Tuesday nothing. Wednesday I get an email I won’t get any more leads. I didn’t produce.

I had a week where they really fed me.

Then just a couple more. Why waste the leads?

So you know what I did? I started cold calling to make my own leads.