Always ends up being wrong

Written 6:09pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 29, 2022. The office will permanently close soon. Two tense meetings yesterday pointing out a “lack of viability” made that clear. What does it mean for me, my family, our future if this office closes? I could stay in Arizona, get a new job, see what next year looks like. I could look for a job in California like I planned, but last month I applied and interviewed for a job in Orange County and it wasn’t a great experience. I could pack everything up, go to Wyoming/Utah, be close to my mom (she will be 80 this year). I could try someplace new (Las Vegas?) I am frustrated. I can’t keep looking for-and taking- jobs I don’t have the talent or desire to do. I am caught in a vicious circle; my resume and financial needs keep me looking for executive jobs, and I am good enough to get them. But after a year (if not sooner) we are sick of each other and disappointed with the results. It is absurd. I need to make a change. There is creative energy that flows pure in my heart. I want to honor and pursue that. Where does it lead, if anywhere? Can I set ego and practicality aside? Am I selfish for wanting to change? No matter what the choice, it always ends up being wrong.

Learning a hard lesson

7:04am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, March 20, 2022. The first talk of job cuts happened Friday afternoon. I called my supervisor regarding another matter but she brought up the hard truth instead. I understand. Things are not going well and there isn’t a quick fix on the horizon. The situation is beyond frustrating for everyone involved. I personally feel incapacitated, like watching a slow motion disaster unfold; I can see the horror happening, but am helpless to stop it. In the past, I focused on what that meant to me; loss of direct income, family instability, bruising of personal pride. But today is different. Today I feel I let down those that depend on the businesses success to care for their families and sustain households. It is a crushing weight to bear and I feel every ounce of it. I am learning a hard lesson; there is no nobility in failure. Merely trying is not enough. I need to get better, improve my skills, or I am of no value to anyone else.

Stopping in Blythe

2:10pm Pacific, grocery store parking lot, Blythe, California , Sunday afternoon, January 23, 2022. Stopped to take a rest for a moment in Blythe before continuing on to Arizona. Friday I came out through San Diego. It wasn’t a bad route but not worth the extra time. The visit to see family was fun. My daughter showed me some new games and videos while I had two good walks with the dog. Last night I drank a couple of beers and watched the football game.

January 12

3:23pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, January 12, 2022. A year ago today I started writing this blog in present form. I had been laid off from my job, my family had moved out and I felt terribly isolated. There were so many unanswered questions swirling in my mind: Where would I find work? How would I pay my bills? Where would I live? Who cared about me as a person? Some of those questions have been answered, some still unresolved. Regardless, I am in a better place than I was last year and being able to look back gives me appreciation for where I am and what I went through.

Sunday Afternoon, January 2, 2022

3:33pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, January 2, 2022. I woke up late this morning, which meant not going for a walk or working out because I had to drive to the office and enter payroll before 10am. I finished early and was out of there before 9. Other than that I haven’t been productive today at all. The family left yesterday at 2pm. We went shopping and grabbed lunch before they got on the road. They arrived in Orange County at 8pm pacific time which meant I was already asleep by the time my daughter texted to let me know. I took down the apartment’s Christmas decorations last evening. Perhaps that was a mistake. Now the place looks as empty as it feels. The post-holiday let down coupled with everyone leaving is depressing. Vacation is over, spending time with my family has past and I am feeling very alone right now.

New Years Day

9:16am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Saturday, January 01, 2022, New Years Day. My family goes back to Orange County today. They planned on leaving at nine but are still asleep. I don’t blame them, we are all tired from staying up late last night. The dog and I went for a walk at six, then drove down the block to fill the car with gas before having coffee and breakfast. I feel weird right now; emotionally indifferent, with no ambition. What do I look forward to this coming year? There is no overarching plan, and that makes me nervous.

Rabbit hole

6:15am my mind is going down a rabbit hole. I am thinking about creativity and work. Three thoughts. 1- I hold on to work because I believe that is the source of my material. 2- I hold on to work because I don’t believe I can earn money and support my family without structure and external pressure. 3- I write to relieve tension caused by work. If tension is gone will I write? If structure is gone will I go broke? If work is gone what will I write about? That is where I am. That is how I function. But I am frustrated. Because I work so much and only write as a reaction to feelings caused by work I am limited. *ABRUPT MINDSET CHANGE I create engaging and interactive content. I devote my energy to delighting people who interact with what I create.

Depressing

12:10pm it is always a little depressing when my family leaves. I look forward to having them so I enjoy the anticipation of their arrival. Then they are here and we have fun. Now they are gone. There is no anticipation and nothing to do. I have sat around all morning just numb.

Family left

6:56am my family left Arizona to go back to Orange County. They got on the road at 5am. I went for a walk after they pulled out. Then I went and worked out, came back to the apartment, made a cup of coffee and cleaned up a little. I miss having them here. There is the feeling of two apartments. When they are here the apartment is filled with energy, bodies and stuff. The girls are playing games, watching videos and ready for adventure. When they are gone the apartment is empty, quiet and depressing.

Balance

2:02pm I am back in my office in south Phoenix. I went home for lunch. Now I am trying to finish up some tasks. My daughter and her friend want to go to a movie this afternoon. I am going to leave an hour and a half early to take them. I want to enjoy time with them. Tonight is the last night this trip. They leave first thing in the morning. It is important I focus on being present when I am at work and also when I am hone. I struggle with multi tasking. I can concentrate on work or on family but it is hard to do both. I am sure that is the case for most people.