9:36am We are getting ready to leave for the activity center. It should be a fun time. Right now I am thinking about the creative pursuit of writing and what I do for work. I have come up with a new perspective. In the summer of 2002, well before my daughter was born, my wife and I moved to Valencia, California from Evanston, Wyoming. My wife kept her corporate position but I quit my job as a religious consultant for the state of Wyoming. We moved so I could be an actor and my wife could be closer to family. It was a rash adventurous decision we made as newlyweds who were sure we could conquer the world. The move was not free of tension. My wife was supportive but skeptical. While she looked forward to spending time with her sisters she wasn’t sure of my new plan for work. But I was confident. I envisioned myself auditioning for parts and easily getting jobs to pay my share of the bills. As soon as I got to California I began submitting headshots. I auditioned for some student films and got some parts but not nothing else. By the fall I realized I had neither the drive nor the talent to be a successful actor. I wasn’t terribly heartbroken. I tried and it didn’t work out. I accepted the failure but was left with a creative void. I needed to find a new pursuit. 3:09pm hanging out at the activity center, picking up where I left off. I decided I was going to be a writer. It wasn’t too much of a reach. Starting years earlier in seminary I had written some stories and started a novel. In fact I had just finished an autobiography of my youth titled “The Journey and the Destination.” In the moment I was happy. Writing was my new identity. This is noteworthy because it was during what I consider the most vibrant period of my life i.e. the time I was a hospice chaplain. In reality being a hospice chaplain was not my career choice. It was the job I did to support myself while I wrote. I loved being a chaplain. I cherish the time but I identified as a writer more than a chaplain. Just saying that reduces my anxiety. It changes how I approach work and purpose. For so long I have viewed my situation as facing a choice between sales/operations or being a chaplain. In reality I am facing a choice between sales/operations and writing. I know who I am, what I want to be. I want to be a writer. I am a writer. I simply realize I can’t expect writing to produce sustainable income. So the question I ask is, “What do I want to do to support myself while I write?”
Tag: family
Family
5:02pm my family is here. They arrived around ten am. It is nice to have a full house again. It seems like they barely left three weeks ago. We are playing video games and went to the discount store. Ordered pizza and are spending the evening in.
Family
4:49pm in the apartment. Went to the sporting good store earlier to buy shorts. Now I am home. I am not going out again. My wife called. Her, our daughter and our daughters friend are supposed to travel to visit tomorrow. My wife has a sore throat. She had work meetings with people from out of state. She is worried she is sick. I will see if they make the trip. I am here and ready for them to come whenever. I really want to see my daughter.
Friday Morning
5:33am, sitting at my computer in the Chandler apartment. Just finished going for a walk and working out at the complex gym. When I went for my walk it was cold and rainy. I had to grab my rain jacket. I haven’t worn a coat on my morning walk in months. Around 2am last night I started hearing thunder and seeing streaks of lightning through the bedroom window. The rain started shortly after and hasn’t stopped. The drainage area in the neighborhood was already full. The commute this morning is going to be slowed by flash floods. On the walk I thought about relationships. I reminisced about the ones I had in the past, the ones I am in now and the possibility of one in the future. I started to think about being with someone new. Feeling the excitement of falling in love. What would be the cost of trying? What would I have to do to make it happen? The fact is I am still married. No matter the strained state of our relationship we are still together. In our own unique way we remain committed to the promises we made two decades ago. I can’t go on a dating site and meet someone if I am still married. That being said, we could get a divorce. We talked about it this week. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility. That would free me and my wife to move on. We could admit it is over and make a fresh start with someone else. I am not sure about my wife but that is not a price I am not willing to pay. If we get a divorce we would no longer be a “family.” We would be split and most likely create two new families. If that happened I fear my relationship with my daughter would be destroyed. I would not get to spend as much time with her or see her. Especially if I meet someone who has children of her own. I can’t speak for my wife. Maybe she wants a divorce. If so I will go through with it but if I have the choice I choose to stay. No matter how dysfunctional we are right now we are still a family and we are still making it work. As much as I would like to meet someone I won’t sacrifice what I have with my wife and daughter.
Family left
6:29am my family has packed up and left. Now the apartment is quiet. Uncluttered. The quiet isn’t better. But it isn’t worse. It is just a different way to live. What is the best way to live? The easy answer is surrounded by people. Engaged in relationships. Part of a group. But that isn’t always the case. There is value in being alone. Taking time to explore the inner world. Personally, solitude restores my spirit. When I am with my wife and daughter I feel swirling chaos. Particularly with my wife. Her parenting style is frenetic. Being with her makes me feel overwhelmed. Helpless. Frustrated. That is who she is, how she parents. I accept it but I look forward to a time when my daughter is older. When we can spend more time together. She will reach a point where she wants to explore the world. I want to give her the opportunity to do that. I think my wife has more interest in keeping her vulnerable.
Back at the pool
12:00pm back at the pool. Last day the family is here. It has been chaotic and exhausting having the family here. yet I dread them leaving. I don’t want to be alone. we are going to go to a drive in firework show tonight. I have felt anxious. Starting to think about work. Need to stay present. In the moment.
Dinner
4:54pm going to dinner tonight as a family. Then shopping at the mall.
Don’t go back
6:38am I don’t want to go back to how I was living prior to my family coming out. I am thankful for the last three months. How I settled in after the move. But I want a different energy going forward. A new me for the 2nd half of the year.
Change
5:40am I don’t know how to change. How to be different. I don’t know what I would do if this blog were “discovered.” How would my world change if I received attention? I work in hospice. I have a public persona but the real me remains hidden. Writing these posts is a way to put myself out there to be discovered. But there is dissonance. The hospice director is a carefully crafted facade. It serves purpose. It is a image I use to make money and care for my family. The post writer is the inner me. He is the voice in my head. My best friend. what would I do if people at work saw these posts? What if prospective employers saw them? Family, friends. Strangers? I want more than anything to be known. I want more than anything to remain hidden.
Wednesday night
7:50pm back at the pool area. Long day at work. Glad it is over. More glad the anticipation of tomorrow is over. June is finished. The company sale closes at midnight tonight. Probably eastern or central time so before midnight here. The pool is crazy busy. We walked in and it was empty then a family with like 12 kids showed up. The girls are having fun so it doesn’t matter. I have a spot I can just sit and look at my phone. There is a tv here. The game was on the night before last. But the tv isn’t on and there is no way to get the game. Probably best. I can relax if I am not watching sports