Tag: feelings

The feeling never changes

5:55am, apartment, chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 19, 2022. If I wake up at 2am I am frustrated because it is too early to get out of bed. If I wake up at 3am I am frustrated because it is too late to go back to sleep. If I wake up at 4am I am frustrated because I have to get up. If I wake up at 5am I am frustrated I overslept. Why do I act like experience is the cause of my feelings instead of the other way around? The feeling never changes inside me, just my excuse.

Check in

11:20pm Tuesday night. Lying in bed. I Went to sleep early. Got up about an hour ago to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind is working. Thinking about alcohol, sex, love, pleasure, work. The slate is wiped clean. I am resetting my beliefs. When neurons fire I attach thoughts. The thoughts attach to feelings. They become a pair. I feel something, I think something. I never change the combination. Over time they might evolve. But seldom consciously change. Today made me realize I need to consciously let go of the WIL. I no longer give my most valuable energy to her. She is gone. She has moved on. I accept that. I let her go as well. I have the ability to be intimate. I am able to fall in love. The most valuable part of me can be given to someone else.

Mindful

9:38am I am being mindful of how my thoughts create stress and fear. Especially familiar thoughts that produce familiar feelings. It seems I can’t be happy. That I will search for thoughts until I can find something that worries me. Then being worried is the state that feels familiar. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. But it is known.