Tag: Friday

High Steppin’

5:31am (Trying the letter to future self theme) What should I tell you? Yesterday you went to work. The employee you spoke with on Monday about job performance came in and resigned. That was alright. You were going to put her on a performance improvement plan. Her choosing to leave relieved stress. The day turned positive. In the afternoon you drove to Anthem. Anthem is way north of Phoenix. You went out there to get some forms signed for the LA office. The person that needed to sign the forms was not available. You met one of the chaplains up there and gave them to him to have signed. Since yesterday morning you have felt renewed. Which is nice. Wednesday was an awful day. On Wednesday you wanted more than anything to quit, find a job as a chaplain and never look back. You blew off calls with the clinical leadership of the senior living communities. You came home and took an hour and half lunch. You spent most of the day in your office with the door shut. But yesterday was different. Now you can see a path to turning the site around and making it profitable. That is a goal you want to achieve. Last night You drank two beers before dinner. It was gross. You didn’t enjoy them. They made you feel sick. And you didn’t sleep well. Beers on Thursday nights used to be the best. You woke up this morning at 3:47am. You went for a walk and worked out. You thought about work and for the most part you were happy on the walk. It is easier to be happy on Friday. It was the first walk you did both extra loops to increase distance. Your core muscles feel stronger when you walk more. On the walk you started thinking about the WIL but you made yourself stop. You were feeling hurt and cycling about being dumped by her back in 2017. Yesterday you started applying the “one day at a time” mindset to work days. You realized you need to focus on the moment. Not try to reconcile the past. Not plan the future. Writing that sentence made you think of an Avett Brothers song. “See, you can only live one day at a time, only drive one hot rod at a time, only say one word at a time, and only think one thought at a time.” The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’.

The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’

Friday night

8:13pm on Friday night. In the apartment. Have the sliding glass door open and letting the cool air in. I haven’t done that since the beginning of may. The apartment is cooling down. It feels nice. Watched a little of a movie, talked to my daughter. They are going to come visit on Sunday and stay for the week. I am excited to have a full house again.

Friday Morning

5:33am, sitting at my computer in the Chandler apartment. Just finished going for a walk and working out at the complex gym. When I went for my walk it was cold and rainy. I had to grab my rain jacket. I haven’t worn a coat on my morning walk in months. Around 2am last night I started hearing thunder and seeing streaks of lightning through the bedroom window. The rain started shortly after and hasn’t stopped. The drainage area in the neighborhood was already full. The commute this morning is going to be slowed by flash floods. On the walk I thought about relationships. I reminisced about the ones I had in the past, the ones I am in now and the possibility of one in the future. I started to think about being with someone new. Feeling the excitement of falling in love. What would be the cost of trying? What would I have to do to make it happen? The fact is I am still married. No matter the strained state of our relationship we are still together. In our own unique way we remain committed to the promises we made two decades ago. I can’t go on a dating site and meet someone if I am still married. That being said, we could get a divorce. We talked about it this week. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility. That would free me and my wife to move on. We could admit it is over and make a fresh start with someone else. I am not sure about my wife but that is not a price I am not willing to pay. If we get a divorce we would no longer be a “family.” We would be split and most likely create two new families. If that happened I fear my relationship with my daughter would be destroyed. I would not get to spend as much time with her or see her. Especially if I meet someone who has children of her own. I can’t speak for my wife. Maybe she wants a divorce. If so I will go through with it but if I have the choice I choose to stay. No matter how dysfunctional we are right now we are still a family and we are still making it work. As much as I would like to meet someone I won’t sacrifice what I have with my wife and daughter.

Salvation please

7:25pm Friday night, I want to be saved. To find success. Or even stability. My mind is exhausted. I think a million thoughts that add up to nothing. I have written over 1000 posts. Do they matter to anyone but me? I should solicit an audience, try and connect. Someone needs to knows I am alive. That I have thoughts. That I feel emotions. Why do I stay hidden yet want to be known? I wear myself the fuck out

Friday night

10:03pm I get mad at myself when I write lot of posts in one day. I don’t get upset for writing down my thoughts. I appreciate the continuity when I go back and read them. I get mad because so many posts in one day makes it tedious when I transcribe them to a word document. I like to get through a certain number of days when I transfer the posts over for publication. If a day has many posts it takes longer to accomplish the task.