The feeling never changes

5:55am, apartment, chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 19, 2022. If I wake up at 2am I am frustrated because it is too early to get out of bed. If I wake up at 3am I am frustrated because it is too late to go back to sleep. If I wake up at 4am I am frustrated because I have to get up. If I wake up at 5am I am frustrated I overslept. Why do I act like experience is the cause of my feelings instead of the other way around? The feeling never changes inside me, just my excuse.

Haunted

11:40am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday morning, December 20, 2021. Trapped in my office, frustration does not abate. I used to find solace dreaming of carefree summer days. Now, idle time haunts me more aggressively than the pointless work I despise.

Night

7:58pm There are certain things I would always think about at night. I didn’t like thinking about them so I tried to distract myself. But then I would think about failure along with things I didn’t want to think about. The first thing I thought about was work. I would imagine the end of my career. How I wouldn’t have to work any more. The sweet release of freedom when I quit. Euphoria would wash over me. I obsessed over the weeks and months I had been working. The second thing I always thought about was the WIL. How her hair fell over her shoulders, the taste of her lips. I would get frustrated and begin reading a magazine or a book. Anything to change my thoughts for a brief second.

Rabbit hole

6:15am my mind is going down a rabbit hole. I am thinking about creativity and work. Three thoughts. 1- I hold on to work because I believe that is the source of my material. 2- I hold on to work because I don’t believe I can earn money and support my family without structure and external pressure. 3- I write to relieve tension caused by work. If tension is gone will I write? If structure is gone will I go broke? If work is gone what will I write about? That is where I am. That is how I function. But I am frustrated. Because I work so much and only write as a reaction to feelings caused by work I am limited. *ABRUPT MINDSET CHANGE I create engaging and interactive content. I devote my energy to delighting people who interact with what I create.