Tag: future

Some answers will never be known

11:37am, pacific standard time, Santa Ana/Orange County/John Wayne Airport, Santa Ana, California, USA, Monday morning, October 17, 2022. Waiting for my flight to Oakland. It was a good weekend in Orange County. Since learning of my new assignment in Palm Desert I have felt at peace. The future, present and past are in balance, which feels nice. Today is the 16 year anniversary of my dad’s death. Lots of memories of him and where I was sixteen years ago. I was working as a hospice chaplain in Ogden, Utah. When we heard the news we gathered in Wyoming the rest of the week and had the memorial service on the 20th. I miss him and wonder who I would be if he hadn’t died at the age of 65. I guess some answers will never be known.

Monday after Mother’s Day

5:24am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 9, 2022. Yesterday was fun. We drove to Tucson in the morning, traveled around the city a little and looked for a place to eat. Most of the restaurants were crowded on account of it being Mother’s Day weekend so we decided to go back to the apartment and have leftovers. In the afternoon we went for a short walk, watched a movie and ate ice cream. Overall it was a pretty good day. On a different note, big changes are occurring at work. I am adopting a one day at a time approach, not only to the current situation but to what may come in the future.

A moment of balance

5:40am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 2, 2022. The trip with my mom from Henderson, Nevada to Chandler was more taxing than anticipated yesterday. We got in around 1pm, rested, then got dinner and watched a movie. All things considered, it was a good day. Right now I am enjoying a moment of balance; life is not overwhelmingly great but, many aspects feel calm. I can bear my job, I am at peace with my relationships, I appreciate the place I live, I accept my past and look forward to a bright future.

Living in the future is a downer

9:01am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, December 3, 2021. Driving to work today felt like a Monday. That was a bummer because Friday morning usually means being in a good mood, listening to music and looking forward to some free time. But this Friday has been different. First, work has felt exhausting with drama and problems. Too many things have not gone to plan or people have not stepped up. It makes me feel disheartened. Second, this is the first weekend I will be alone since I last drank alcohol October 24, 2021. I typically don’t do well on weekends I don’t drink. Physically I don’t miss alcohol, but not drinking creates unintended issues. In the past I spent hours looking forward to having a drink, then another couple of hours actually drinking and subsequently a day or two nursing a hangover from having a drink (or 6). Now I am worried I will spend the time sitting around my apartment feeling anxious and bored. We will see how it goes. Maybe it won’t be so bad. On a side note, I have come to realize living in the future is a lot less fun than dreaming about the future. When I was younger I filled my time fantasizing about what I would accomplish, who I would meet and interact with, where I would live, what car I would drive and how much money I would make. Then around my mid-thirties it became obvious I better get to work if I wanted to make those dreams actually come true. That is the same time life became less exciting. Dreaming about a big magnificent future is like running up your credit cards. Actually having to go and make your dreams happen is like paying the bills. The first part is where all the excitement is, the second part is kind of a downer.

God thoughts

5:52pm. Returned from Orange County. I didn’t stop in palm desert so no check in there. Talking with my daughter about creativity. Dreaming of being the chaplain. Listening to Camus’s The Stranger And Pirsig’s Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance on the drive. All that together led to existential pondering…The concept of god is who ever validates our thoughts and hopes. The belief in god exists on the plain of thinking about the past and the future. I remember the past because it brings me joy. I use it in the present to being me peace. Same with a hopes for future. Not because it is real or even achievable but because it brings happiness. Some concept of returning to the past is feasible. Some concept of obtaining a dream future is feasible. Finding god in some form of the ideal is feasible.

Letter

5:49am Dear Mike, if you are reading this in the future you want to know what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing on this particular day. 6:06am I stopped writing this post for a moment. I had to think. If I am writing something that only future me would see I would share things I keep hidden from other people. Things that would really remind me what I am going through on this day. But sharing those things beyond a letter to only future me could be potentially awkward. Everyday I do weird things. I have thoughts about intimacy and sex. I have interactions with people I don’t mention. I leave all that stuff out because I don’t want people like my wife, my daughter, my mom or the WIL to know about them. But that is what I am going through. That is who I truly am. How do I reconcile writing honestly for myself and others? I am quiet. I am reserved. I am in a position of leadership. I have been a spiritual counselor. How would people react if they knew I had a “dark” side? That I have desires? I feel secretive, deceptive, dishonest. Do all people have things they hide and would be embarrassed if people found out?

Friday Morning

5:33am, sitting at my computer in the Chandler apartment. Just finished going for a walk and working out at the complex gym. When I went for my walk it was cold and rainy. I had to grab my rain jacket. I haven’t worn a coat on my morning walk in months. Around 2am last night I started hearing thunder and seeing streaks of lightning through the bedroom window. The rain started shortly after and hasn’t stopped. The drainage area in the neighborhood was already full. The commute this morning is going to be slowed by flash floods. On the walk I thought about relationships. I reminisced about the ones I had in the past, the ones I am in now and the possibility of one in the future. I started to think about being with someone new. Feeling the excitement of falling in love. What would be the cost of trying? What would I have to do to make it happen? The fact is I am still married. No matter the strained state of our relationship we are still together. In our own unique way we remain committed to the promises we made two decades ago. I can’t go on a dating site and meet someone if I am still married. That being said, we could get a divorce. We talked about it this week. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility. That would free me and my wife to move on. We could admit it is over and make a fresh start with someone else. I am not sure about my wife but that is not a price I am not willing to pay. If we get a divorce we would no longer be a “family.” We would be split and most likely create two new families. If that happened I fear my relationship with my daughter would be destroyed. I would not get to spend as much time with her or see her. Especially if I meet someone who has children of her own. I can’t speak for my wife. Maybe she wants a divorce. If so I will go through with it but if I have the choice I choose to stay. No matter how dysfunctional we are right now we are still a family and we are still making it work. As much as I would like to meet someone I won’t sacrifice what I have with my wife and daughter.

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.

Future

9:10am I am excited for the future. I never got to be happy as a father. Before my daughter was born I began grieving the loss of the chaplain, time with the WIL. When my daughter was a year old our marriage was wounded. All my happy memories were before my daughter was born. We haven’t had the “good” time of her life yet. There are good memories but not an overall good time. My wife and I have struggled. This morning I found hope. Hope that the time off happiness as a parent is in the offing. Just as the time of happiness before I was a parent eventually came as the chaplain in utah. I am ready to embrace happiness. Love. Family.