Depressing

12:10pm it is always a little depressing when my family leaves. I look forward to having them so I enjoy the anticipation of their arrival. Then they are here and we have fun. Now they are gone. There is no anticipation and nothing to do. I have sat around all morning just numb.

The high

4:40pm in my office. South Phoenix. I spent the afternoon talking with my staff about kids, what they were like at school, ideas for marketing. I am just killing time until the day ends. I have been messed up since listening to the voicemail from the WIL. She was human heroin. I miss the feeling of being loved by her. When she texted me or we talked it took happiness to another level. There is nothing that replaces that. I accept that she is gone. I just missing getting that high.

The last time

12:35pm the last time the WIL and I were physically together she asked me if I had been with someone else. She asked out of curiosity. Not anger not accusing. That she would ask me broke my heart. I interpreted it that she wanted to confess she had been with someone and wanted to feel better thinking I had as well. The truth is I had been with a couple of other people at that time. Nothing serious. A couple of random hook ups. But I said no. I professed my purity. It sounded fake even to me. But I couldn’t have that conversation with her. Even though my body had been with someone else my heart and soul had not. That is still the case two years later. It is frustrating. I accept the WIL is gone. I accept she has moved on. I want to move on but still feel twisted up. I can’t be intimate, I can’t date because that emotional connection is still with her. I feel like I gave her a gift I can’t get back. And though she doesn’t care for it and I need it she still keeps it. She hasn’t felt the need to reach out to me for physical or emotional comfort in over a year. I just want to let go like she has so I can reclaim my life. No hard feelings.

Surreal

3:32pm the family being gone and back in Orange County makes today feel surreal. Like time opened up and offered a different reality. I had been here alone for months.When they were here it was a new experience. The apartment felt more comfortable, work felt less consuming. Now they have left. I washed the sheets and cleaned the counters. everything is back to how it was before they came.