Tag: happiness

The donut hole in happiness

2:34pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Monday afternoon, January 2, 2022. There is a donut hole in my quest for happiness. When I avoid work, stress-free mornings are followed by tediously empty afternoons. However, embracing challenge means my free time is pervaded with unmanageable anxiety. Avoiding work causes existential angst, embracing it means crippling pressure. I try to find balance but, in reality, I am not sure it is possible. No matter what, there will always be something missing. It is best to accept the situation and make peace with the vacancy, whatever form that may be.

Because we choose to destroy it

6:37pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, April 13, 2022. There are seldom moments of tranquility found in the ocean of life. For various reasons, and I have listed many in the past, contentment does not last. That is because, on a base level, we enjoy seeking out challenge to froth up stress in our lives. Happiness isn’t fleeting because it is ephemeral, but because we choose to destroy it. After all, nothing enlivens a person more than almost dying.

The flow of water reminds me

Written 5:52am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, March 28, 2022. When I am stressed at work I evoke my creative spirit. With that, peaceful images of water flowing through my chest calms me. This is evolution. Previously, I sought solace in escape, nostalgia, or giving up; unproductive acts motivated by fear. Now I know, the path forward is creativity and, more importantly, community. For decades I did not interact with others that held similar interests, nor did I engage an audience. I remained alone, vacillating between a past I could no longer obtain, while lamenting a present I never enjoyed. But I can be happy, do something I am passionate about, all while working with motivated and inspiring people. I don’t need to waste another minute regretting my choices. The world holds a beautiful, new, glorious destiny, and everyday the flow of water reminds me.

A Phone call from my Best friend

6:16pm in my apartment, chandler Arizona, Saturday evening, December 4, 2021. My best friend from high school called this evening. He was parked outside a shopping mall in Utah. We texted earlier today but haven’t talked on the phone in over a year. It was nice to talk with him. I told him I was abstaining from alcohol, he told me he was fasting. In the end we are both looking to further personal conscious our own way. I miss the philosophical conversations we had in high school and college. I am going to go out there at the beginning of the year so we can catch up.

The WIL and December 1st

5:43am, Wednesday morning, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, December 1. Seven years ago I was traveling for work to the Chicago area. Thanksgiving was late that year so December 1st was the Monday after the holiday. My itinerary was to fly from Orange County to Salt Lake City and connect to Chicago, however the flight was delayed. Then it was delayed again. Before long I missed my connection to Chicago all together. The airline counter agent recommended I fly to Salt Lake City. They would pay for a hotel and book me on another flight the next morning. Doing that would minimize the odds of not making it to my destination the next day as well. While some of my fellow travelers were probably annoyed, I was ecstatic. I had been texting with the WIL the entire morning, lamenting I would be in Utah but wouldn’t get to see her. Now I was staying in a hotel the airline was paying for. She came and saw me after work that day and we got to spend a couple hours together. The memory is so strong and so meaningful for many reasons, some I will keep to myself. But it is easy to say that day stands as one of the most beautiful moments we shared in a lifetime full of them.

November 17

11:03am, in my office, Phoenix, Wednesday morning. My mom arrives today. She is flying in from Salt Lake City. Her flight is boarding at this very moment. She gets in shortly after 1pm. I will pick her up at the airport, drop her off at the apartment then return to work. Today is also my brothers birthday. He would have been 52. The next two weeks will be nice to have company and to see my mom again.

Good day continued

9:57am in my office, Arizona. I am still thinking about the post from yesterday. The schedule I mentioned was created when I first moved to California 19 years ago. It was perfected when I was a hospice chaplain in utah. It is remarkable to think for all the dreams and hopes that have passed through my mind these thousands of days I really have only lived slight variations of one day.

Moment

7:38am Sunday. I checked the mail before heading home from my walk. A new credit card had arrived. I planned on using it and canceling one with an annual fee. No reason to foolishly spend money I don’t have.

There is an app that tracks the distance I walk. It is applied to a programmed route. The route is the pyramids of Giza. I am about 60% finished. I will do something longer next month.

A moment in time is all I, you, anyone has. We don’t live forever, we don’t solve life, we don’t collect experiences. We simply live the circumstances presented. I choose to be in the moment now. Invariably things will change and I will adjust when they do. I will live like this until I exist no more.