8:27am Monday morning, Labor Day, Dana Point. The path was familiar. I had walked it with my mom everyday the four months she lived with me. I appreciated that time. Though I was frustrated with work I had mornings free to walk along the bluff. We head north, then east until we got to the park. Then we circled back to the apartment. The whole trip last half an hour. I would have coffee then get ready for work.
Tag: happiness
Saturday morning
8:31am Saturday morning. Palm desert. As I drove my mind recalled moments when I felt at peace, times in my life I felt unburdened by expectation or remorse. It was then I felt most childlike, though I was far from innocent and very much an adult. I longed to retrace my steps and find that experience again; a moment when the world was filled with wonder, I was assured my existence held purpose and in my heart I was truly content.
Thursday morning
5:43am Thursday morning. Could I ever deconstruct my life and rebuild it along a path of happiness? Years ago I chose adventure and responsibility, changing careers, becoming a parent. If i had chosen another life would my regrets be different? Who is to say one choice was better than the other? Who can judge my decisions as somehow flawed? Day by day, moment by moment I took course until I ended up at this very spot. Perhaps next week, next month, next year, I will reflect on this time just the same, and in those moments of respite I wonder why I did what I did and lament or celebrate the memory.
Monday morning
5:42am Monday morning. When I woke up I felt refreshed. My rest had been good. Then I remembered it was Monday and felt dejected. I rolled over, turned on the light and laid still on my back for a moment. I didn’t feel the desire to get up. I thought about Saturday mornings, long car trips and peaceful walks. Anything to distract me from the looming day. For as long as I could remember I thought it my mission to avoid mornings like these. But I have come to realize all I can really hope is to endure.
Morning
7:43am At the top of the hill we turned left. Our path became narrow and uneven with low hanging branches overhead.The dog pulled her lead so I took in the slack. Stillness enveloped us. The only sounds were those I created; keys jangling in my pocket, water sloshing rhythmically in the bottle, the sound of my own breathing. For a moment the sun peeked out from behind the marine layer. The air instantly felt thick. I absently wished for a breeze or another cloud. Luckily both arrived. Then my thoughts turned to work. I decided a job can define limits on time and freedom like bars in a prison cell. That work can appear like an unnecessary construct that robs us of peace. Yet without those limits what would we truly do? It is easy to believe the lack of freedom keeps one from finding peace. But perhaps that is misdirection. The surrender of freedom to a job hides the inability to find peace rather than causes it.
Illusion
6:46am that the illusion was shattered. I could find happiness for a moment but perpetual bliss did not exist. Happiness existed in the ephemera. A time making love, a fleeting memory. lunch with a friend. Those were times I could feel alive. At peace and hopeful. But they were mere grains of precious metal in a bin of the messy dirt of everyday life. The meetings, trudging to work, forms and fights that overwhelm existence. All we ever have are the moments.
God thoughts
5:52pm. Returned from Orange County. I didn’t stop in palm desert so no check in there. Talking with my daughter about creativity. Dreaming of being the chaplain. Listening to Camus’s The Stranger And Pirsig’s Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance on the drive. All that together led to existential pondering…The concept of god is who ever validates our thoughts and hopes. The belief in god exists on the plain of thinking about the past and the future. I remember the past because it brings me joy. I use it in the present to being me peace. Same with a hopes for future. Not because it is real or even achievable but because it brings happiness. Some concept of returning to the past is feasible. Some concept of obtaining a dream future is feasible. Finding god in some form of the ideal is feasible.
Highlights negative
12:56pm the worst thing about the ending of the relationship with the WIL is how it highlights the negative. There was so much happiness and beauty. For years she filled me with absolute joy. the highest highs of my life are memories of her. Not even close. But now all I can feel is sadness. Remember the pulling away. The silence. I know the beauty still existed. But the painful loss has overcome my ability to recall it easily
Peace in the suffering
8:57am Saturday morning, palm desert. I often get anxious and frustrated. When I can’t quickly find peace I begin to panic. I start to believe I am trapped in an awful situation with no way out. I think about running away. Of trying to escape. Of death and dying. I would do anything to stop the suffering. Sometimes I go for walks. Get drunk. Try to distract myself. Then when I don’t think I can endure any longer the moment passes. I look back and wonder how it got so desperate. How I almost broke. I vow to change my circumstances. To change who I am. To never make myself that vulnerable again. But before long I feel happiness. I enjoy a moment of peace. At those times I forget how scared I was. What was at stake. How I nearly broke down, almost lost myself and nearly died. I go back to ignoring my worries and skip through life. Until I start to feel the fear and it starts all over again.
Path to greatness
6:09am I see a path to greatness every day. A thousand possibilities laid before me. Most mornings I am eager to get started. To see what I can accomplish. I dream about success, love, happiness and contentment. I start many adventures, but seldom see them to completion. I get distracted by other commitments. I become overwhelmed by the complexity of the mission. I encounter obstacles. I doubt my abilities. I become dejected and give up. On the path to greatness I take the first exit afforded me. I stand on the side of the road and feel sorry for myself. I pout. I grieve. I become despondent. Then i begin the process of healing. I swear I learned my lesson. I vow to do better. I pick up my countenance. Go back to the starting line and do it all over again.
mikemeyer949 