5:01pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday evening, July 7, 2022. Received a text from the Rancho Cucamonga group about setting up a call tomorrow to discuss next steps. Also, had an interview this afternoon with a large provider regarding an executive director specialist role in California. Both seem like good opportunities, I would be happy to take either one. On the writing side of things, I started work on an article about destiny and fate. I am curious to see how it turns out. All in all, a pretty good day.
Tag: Happy
The end of guilt
5:31am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 4, 2022. Feeling guilty is a constant companion in my life. Many times, I experience guilt without knowing a single reason why. In those incidences, when I am out in the emotional cold so to speak, my mind searches for the cause of my culpability, with no result being too absurd: a long misremembered childhood incident, calling a co-worker by the wrong name or a fumbled exchange in the grocery store line. All of them silly thoughts that serve no purpose other than to create a moment of internal embarrassment that is quickly forgotten. But there are other times the cause and effect of guilt is more severe; a missed opportunity to hug a lost loved one, failing to arrive on time for an important milestone as a parent or breaking the solemn vows of marriage. In those instances the internal emotion of guilt is often profound and lasts much longer. Yet, regardless of the reason the common theme in both those cases are the guilt emanates from inside. I can no longer be in a relationship where the other person deliberately tries to make me feel guilty. Life is hard enough without someone conspiring to bring me down. Nobody deserves that. I can feel guilty enough all on my own.
Departure
4:29am, pacific standard time, Sky Harbor Airport, Phoenix, Arizona, Saturday morning, April 30, 2022. Made it to Phoenix airport early for my 6:05am flight to Salt Lake City, Utah. My mom will meet me there so we can drive back to Arizona together (with an overnight stop in Nevada) I look forward to seeing my mom, going on a road trip together, and seeing Utah again.
Truly going home
5:18am, Friday morning, April 15, 2022, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, U.S.A. Today, after work, I am leaving for Southern California to take a much needed vacation. The trip will last 10 days, culminating with a return to Arizona next Sunday. It has been a long time since I had the feeling of truly “going home.” So long in fact that I didn’t believe it was possible to feel it ever again. But this morning on the walk, and sitting here preparing for the day, I am blessed to say that is what I am experiencing now.
Because we choose to destroy it
6:37pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, April 13, 2022. There are seldom moments of tranquility found in the ocean of life. For various reasons, and I have listed many in the past, contentment does not last. That is because, on a base level, we enjoy seeking out challenge to froth up stress in our lives. Happiness isn’t fleeting because it is ephemeral, but because we choose to destroy it. After all, nothing enlivens a person more than almost dying.
Feeling of tranquility
5:50am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, April 11, 2022. Not sure how or why, but last night a feeling of tranquility washed over me and has remained. I have been able to let go of stress and not focus on problems. I am going to work hard this week, enjoy time off with my daughter next week and take everything one day at a time. I talked with my mom last night. She is going to come visit the first part of May. I look forward to spending time with her.
I am sick of the stress
7:55pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, April 8, 2022. Going for a walk right after I wake up is therapeutic. The physical exercise and quality alone time contribute to what I consider my greatest happiness; enjoying solitude in the pre-dawn dark, sifting through treasured memories and anticipating a future yet to be lived. On a really good day, when I am reviewing familiar musings, my spirit soars and I feel contentment. The trick is to see how long I can stay in that joy until negativity pierces the cocoon. Once that happens everyday garbage floods my thoughts. Then the effect is ruined until I can wake up the next day and do the whole routine again. Often, I think back to when I was a chaplain. The job was demanding but, there was enough down time to stay in prolonged moments of bliss. The job I have now violently destroys the very things that make me happy. I am sick of the stress. I don’t want to spend every morning dreading what I have become.
The flow of water reminds me
Written 5:52am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, March 28, 2022. When I am stressed at work I evoke my creative spirit. With that, peaceful images of water flowing through my chest calms me. This is evolution. Previously, I sought solace in escape, nostalgia, or giving up; unproductive acts motivated by fear. Now I know, the path forward is creativity and, more importantly, community. For decades I did not interact with others that held similar interests, nor did I engage an audience. I remained alone, vacillating between a past I could no longer obtain, while lamenting a present I never enjoyed. But I can be happy, do something I am passionate about, all while working with motivated and inspiring people. I don’t need to waste another minute regretting my choices. The world holds a beautiful, new, glorious destiny, and everyday the flow of water reminds me.
So anything is possible
5:26am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 25, 2022. The corporate training session ended yesterday at 3pm. Instead of going to the office I grabbed a couple beers on the way home, took a nap then watched basketball. The evening was relaxing. I got to call my mom (she was driving to Salt Lake City), see what is going on in the news and enjoy the games. Now it is time to bear down and catch up on work. There are so many tasks piled up I can’t get them all done right away. I will go into the office at 8am and get as much done as I can. At least it is Friday, so I only have to work one day before the weekend. Tomorrow I will go to Orange County and spend time with my daughter. We haven’t made any definitive plans but the weather will be nice so anything is possible.
Focusing on something, anything else
5:34am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, March 23, 2022. Yesterday’s training ran right up to 5pm, followed by a team building dinner in Tempe. It was after 9pm when I finally walked in the door, got ready for bed and fell asleep. To conserve energy, I skipped this morning’s early walk and gym workout. The training resumes at 8am today, so no lazy morning routine like yesterday. My daughter called last night. I talked to her while at the restaurant waiting for our food order to be served. She hasn’t called or responded to texts lately so I was thankful to hear from her. She wanted to discuss anime and a new figurine she got. I have to admit, her excitement is contagious. She has me looking for figurines I want to buy for myself! I know I said this yesterday but, it is so nice to be out of the office and focusing on something, anything, else.
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