Tag: Happy

Monday morning

5:42am Monday morning. When I woke up I felt refreshed. My rest had been good. Then I remembered it was Monday and felt dejected. I rolled over, turned on the light and laid still on my back for a moment. I didn’t feel the desire to get up. I thought about Saturday mornings, long car trips and peaceful walks. Anything to distract me from the looming day. For as long as I could remember I thought it my mission to avoid mornings like these. But I have come to realize all I can really hope is to endure.

Morning

7:43am At the top of the hill we turned left. Our path became narrow and uneven with low hanging branches overhead.The dog pulled her lead so I took in the slack. Stillness enveloped us. The only sounds were those I created; keys jangling in my pocket, water sloshing rhythmically in the bottle, the sound of my own breathing. For a moment the sun peeked out from behind the marine layer. The air instantly felt thick. I absently wished for a breeze or another cloud. Luckily both arrived. Then my thoughts turned to work. I decided a job can define limits on time and freedom like bars in a prison cell. That work can appear like an unnecessary construct that robs us of peace. Yet without those limits what would we truly do? It is easy to believe the lack of freedom keeps one from finding peace. But perhaps that is misdirection. The surrender of freedom to a job hides the inability to find peace rather than causes it.

Walking

8:45am After that, I went for walks by myself up the hill behind our old home. The strolls took on a different energy after the move. I was a tourist, not a resident. When I lived there I returned to our apartment after a walk, made breakfast and watched the morning sun shimmer on homes across the way. Now I get in my car and drive away. Who is to say which is best? My ego wants the home with the ocean view. But was I happier? No.

Illusion

6:46am that the illusion was shattered. I could find happiness for a moment but perpetual bliss did not exist. Happiness existed in the ephemera. A time making love, a fleeting memory. lunch with a friend. Those were times I could feel alive. At peace and hopeful. But they were mere grains of precious metal in a bin of the messy dirt of everyday life. The meetings, trudging to work, forms and fights that overwhelm existence. All we ever have are the moments.

Sunday morning

9:20am you are in the bedroom in Dana point. You woke up this morning and went for a walk with the dog. You got gas and washed the car, bought treats for the dog then coffee with breakfast for everyone. Your daughter is showing you videos she made. She is being so creative. She is proud and happy. That is all you care about in the world.

Palm desert

8:54am this morning on the drive from Phoenix to palm desert you had a great experience. The landscape reminded you of the drive from wendover back to Salt Lake City. You remembered Saturday’s in the fall, driving out to wendover, reading the newspaper and making bets on football games. then driving back listening to game highlights on the radio. You remembered how content and happy you were on those drives. That made you think about how when this job ends you will accept it. Then you thought about getting another job. When you think about getting a sales/operations job your energy feels like poison. When you think about writing/chaplain or something new it feels pure. You are on the right track. You love these Saturday morning drives to see your daughter. Stopping to get coffee and donuts. Listening to music and books on tape. you are happy today.

Thursday morning check in

I am in my office South Phoenix at 8:48am. I have an office meeting at 9am so not much time to write. After the meeting I am going to head north to meet with a provider that could refer patients. Sometimes I dread meetings but this one doesn’t bother me. I am happy to get out of the office and meet someone new. I consider this morning to have gone well. I was happy to have written the post earlier. After that I showered, made the bed, fed Tiki the fish and headed to work. My car was filthy and has been bugging me. I couldn’t take it any more so i got gas and put my car through the wash for a quick rinse. After i got to work i did the morning stand up call and went through paperwork. Now I am sipping coffee and writing this post.

The me of me

12:14am in bed Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I woke up from a dream ready to start over. Completely over. It is time to Re-examine the me of me. My arbitrary viewpoints are fluid. My perceived values are open. I Filter my personality and wash out that which doesn’t serve me. I am confident, happy and secure.,

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.