5:37am Monday morning. In my apartment, sitting on the couch. The Temperature outside is 84 degrees. It was a little warm on the walk this morning but It feels nice in the apartment. Usually it is stifling. I don’t run the air conditioning unless I have company. It gets expensive and feels indulgent to do it when I am alone. I am watching the weather, drinking cold water and eating a protein bar. After I went for a walk at 4am I Went to the gym at the apartment complex. I usually have the place to myself early mornings. When I got there the main door was stuck. I used my fob three times but it wouldn’t open. I had to go around to the back entrance. After I washed my hands and got a drink from he drinking fountain I Worked out. I started with push ups. Three sets of ten. After I did push ups I did flies with the Bands hanging from the racks. I try to imagine myself a gymnast doing iron crosses when I do the flies with the bands. Then did triceps with free weights and with the bands. I also stretched out my back on the bench. I feel better when I stretch out my back and abdominal muscles. It feels like they get tight from sitting around all the time. After stretching them out I feel stronger. And leaner. I had a great night last night. In fact last night and this morning were a very peaceful. I seldom say that about Sunday/Monday. I think I have figured out the trick. I just don’t think ahead. About anything. That is why I had a good night. I refused to think ahead. My stress comes from trying to create context. I try to find the perfect scenario if life. I try solve the past, present and future simultaneously. That never works. And it makes me depressed. Today I am staying in the moment. I am not going to depress myself or stress myself out.
Tag: Happy
Burned by bad theory
11:24am I burned myself with a bad theory. I hypothesized if I stopped romanticizing leisure I would have no choice but to embrace work. If I embraced work more consistently I would be more productive and successful. Maybe that is true to an extent. But has the value of “success” outweighed the loss of relaxing rejuvenation? I feel I sacrificed what truly made me happy for minimal gain.
Peace at work
5:44am Monday I keep thinking about last Monday. Driving to the office. Pulling in. Having a strong emotional memory. Remembering being secure. Happy. Proud of work. Where my first thought of the day wasn’t about fear of failure. getting fired. I need to find peace again.
Mindful
9:38am I am being mindful of how my thoughts create stress and fear. Especially familiar thoughts that produce familiar feelings. It seems I can’t be happy. That I will search for thoughts until I can find something that worries me. Then being worried is the state that feels familiar. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. But it is known.
A good place
8:00am yesterday I had a fleeting memory of what it was like to have job security. What it felt like to be the chaplain in my prime. ever since then I have been happy. With my family being out last week and the strong memory I am in a good place.
Time together with my daughter
6:37am last night my daughter expressed dismay that it was Wednesday. She felt the week was going too fast, implying she didn’t want her time in Arizona to end. That little exchange made me happy. She is enjoying being here. In the apartment, in Arizona, with me. That is all that matters in the world.
People pleaser
8:39am I am a people pleaser. I want people to be happy. I will tell them what they want to hear. That tendency hurts me. I need to under promise, over deliver. Point out the problems we are having. Then when we succeed it is a pleasant surprise. Side note: at work I have been trying to gloss over problems, not bad mouth people, promise big results. I set myself up to look bad. I need “play the game” better.
Work /Life balance
5:17am Monday. I am truly happy. I have balance in my life. I enjoy my free time. I work hard on days I work. I disengage and relax when I am not at work. I look forward to my future. I appreciate all I have. When I moved to Arizona everything was about work. I focused on my job. Now I can do well at work and enjoy life. I have found who I am as a worker. A parent. A husband. A son.
Figure out Sunday
4:32pm I have figured out Sunday. Which is huge. The secret is not to think about work at all. To not think ahead even a second. To just be in the moment. I have a future I look forward to. I am here. Now. I am happy.
Saturday outside Blythe
8:13am driving to see my daughter and wife. Celebrating Father’s Day weekend. I am always confident. Always happy. Proud. Strong. I love being me. I am always confident from inner assurance