Last voicemail

5:43am Tuesday morning. Sitting on my couch. Chandler. For a while the voicemail feature on my phone was not working properly. I could call and check messages but I could not see the history. I didn’t know how many messages I had or how far back they went. Not too long ago the feature started working again. I could see the messages. So I scrolled down and realized I had the last voicemail from the WIL. She left it for me almost a year and a half ago, the day after her husband found out about us. I have known it is there for a couple of weeks but I chose not to listen to it. The thought of hearing her voice and reliving the moment felt traumatic. However this morning a thought nagged at me. Was she waiting for me to contact her? Was she sad and confused I haven’t reached out? I had mulled this over many times in the last year and a half and always came to the conclusion it is not my place to take the imitative. When my wife found out about us it was up to me to make sure the coast was clear and we could at least talk. Still I wanted to be absolutely sure there was no question I should wait to hear from her first. I decided to risk the emotional pain and listen to the voicemail. I put the voicemail on play and heard her voice. She explained how the situation was fraught. That there was a “mirroring” app on her phone, a gps on her car. That she had to get tested for std’s and was going to be excommunicated from her church. . The message went on for almost two minutes. Finally she said good bye. it was the last time I ever heard from her. The next day she tried to call me when I was in a meeting. She didn’t leave a voicemail but texted me and asked if I could talk. I said “yes.” She never replied to that text or tried calling again. It has been over 500 days now. I realize She is gone. That I will probably never talk to her again. But the fire is never totally extinguished. So many years so many memories. Hopes, dreams, feelings came to end with a frantic last goodbye. “I promise I will contact you as soon as I can but please don’t text or call my phone because he will know and it just makes things really bad so…okay…I love you…Bye.”

Inner person

7:55am the inner person is vibrant, confident, deep thinking. He has a million thoughts, hopes and dreams. The outer me is shallow. He goes to bed alone. He wakes up alone. He seldom interacts with anyone or shares a thought before arriving at work. He does not have deep conversations with people. No one knows his hopes, dreams, ideas, plans. Only I know the inner me. My most intimate relationship will always be with a voice inside my head.

It takes a team

Change and growth is impossible on your own. Staying focused and motivated by yourself is impossible. We are emotional creatures. We base almost all our decisions on how we feel. As a result we are a mess of contradictory objectives. When the pressure is on, the boss is looking at my numbers, or wants to see a report, hear a presentation, when I am accountable I am scared. When I am scared I am motivated.
Hopes and dreams come at us at all times. We seldom can control our emotions. Because we are constantly taking in information and processing our goals and motivations change constantly. They can become opposed in an instant.
You might say on one hand I don’t want to have to work hard. Then almost with the very next though think about how you want to accomplish more. I quit the highest paying job I ever had because I did not travel six days a week. My priority changed. Would I make the same decision now? I am not sure. I am more apt at staying in pressure but at the same time I was sacrificing for the money. I missed my home, my family.
This scenario plays out large and small all the time. One second I want to reach my sales quota and then 30 seconds later I feel tired and wish I could cut out early and go watch a movie. You may want to move one second and then the next want to stay a couple more years where you are at. To stay focused takes more than just you working on your own, it takes a team.