Disappointment

10:55am I went back and read old posts. One of them mentioned how I wanted to do good at this job. Help my boss be successful. I also said I was afraid I would fail and disappoint. Four months later I feel I have. Census is down. Revenue is down. Confidence is lost. There are factors beyond me but I still am responsible. I failed

results scorecard

6:19am Saturday. Achieving goals are difficult. Making money, hitting budget. Similar to baseball if i get a positive result 3 out of 10 times I consider that a success. I have looked back at my career since end of 2009/beginning of 2010. First job since being a chaplain sales. I was successful and got results. But it was more from the team around me than me. Second job, executive director. Did not get results. Third job director of sales. Got results. fourth job, vice president of sales. a wash. The census and revenue went down but I don’t own it. Fifth job, marketing director. Got results because had good team. sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth jobs didn’t get results but tough situations. 10 job. true start up. Got results I am proud of but did not achieve volume or consistency. 11 job, executive director. Got results. 12 job. not getting results. My own personal scorecard. 6 out of 12 situations I got positive results.

Work /Life balance

5:17am Monday. I am truly happy. I have balance in my life. I enjoy my free time. I work hard on days I work. I disengage and relax when I am not at work. I look forward to my future. I appreciate all I have. When I moved to Arizona everything was about work. I focused on my job. Now I can do well at work and enjoy life. I have found who I am as a worker. A parent. A husband. A son.

Crumbling

11:38pm Wednesday night in bed. The facade/image I crafted has crumbled. I am still the captain. But a large swath of self identity tastes sour. I envisioned myself a respected resource. I feel like a naive fool. I envisioned myself focused. I feels disjointed. I envisioned myself as trusted. I feel disrespected. Ironically it is complaints about other people’s behavior that destroyed me. That didn’t do their job well but I am taking it all on me. I am owning it. I am crumbling while they stupidly blindly fuck up and just float on. I am at the familiar crossroads. I want to give up. Admit defeat. It is easier than staying. Than trying to fix. I just flit. Run off to the next thing. Note: My energy is turning, getting on top of my feelings. Getting my strength back. I want to succeed. But the counter side of me wants to fail/run away. There is an emotional battle in my chest/heart/gut

Overdrive lost

9:17am Wednesday at work. For the last week i have lacked energy. I don’t feel sick. Just that extra gear is missing. I don’t have overdrive. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand I miss the energy. On the other I am happy to quit obsessing. I need to do my job without burning out

Evolution

My first couple of jobs were rewarding. I liked the sense of identity, the purpose and lifestyle having a job afforded me.

When I was younger I liked being a student. I graduated from high school and went on to college, even grad school.

At some point I tired of being a student. I wanted to evolve and grow. That is when I got my first job.

After more than a decade of working jobs I strived to take the Next step and evolve again. But what is the next step? Being a student just happened. I was told to go, I liked it and continued. Getting a job took persistence but there were opportunities and I took them. Finding the next step is not so clear. Where do I go, how do I make money, support myself and my family?

Those questions and the answers you live with will be how you spend a majority of your years on this earth.

Transformation

I am beginning to see everyday the process of transformation. 2 1/2 years ago I thought the process would be simple and easy. It has not. I constantly am pulled back to security and comfort in a job that does not provide it. I must let go but many factors, most importantly money keep me stuck in past energy. I am inching toward a new career and existence.

It takes a team

Change and growth is impossible on your own. Staying focused and motivated by yourself is impossible. We are emotional creatures. We base almost all our decisions on how we feel. As a result we are a mess of contradictory objectives. When the pressure is on, the boss is looking at my numbers, or wants to see a report, hear a presentation, when I am accountable I am scared. When I am scared I am motivated.
Hopes and dreams come at us at all times. We seldom can control our emotions. Because we are constantly taking in information and processing our goals and motivations change constantly. They can become opposed in an instant.
You might say on one hand I don’t want to have to work hard. Then almost with the very next though think about how you want to accomplish more. I quit the highest paying job I ever had because I did not travel six days a week. My priority changed. Would I make the same decision now? I am not sure. I am more apt at staying in pressure but at the same time I was sacrificing for the money. I missed my home, my family.
This scenario plays out large and small all the time. One second I want to reach my sales quota and then 30 seconds later I feel tired and wish I could cut out early and go watch a movie. You may want to move one second and then the next want to stay a couple more years where you are at. To stay focused takes more than just you working on your own, it takes a team.

Lies

Do you lie to yourself?

Do you feel like you have a plan? That you know what you need to do to be successful?

Yet you struggle to make your house payment, have credit card debt, no savings or retirement and work a job that makes you miserable for a boss you don’t like?

Stop lying to yourself. No plan includes those things. You don’t know what to do.

Now is the time to fix it.

Focus

In 2019 Jason Shelley was the heir apparent at quarterback for the university of utah football team. He was going to be the starter of a nationally ranked team. People are excited about his abilities and what he can do. Presumably Jason Shelley dreamed of winning games scoring touchdowns and the roar of the crowds adulation.

They brought in Cam Rising. Though he hasn’t played a snap people are more excited by his potential. He has the buzz. Then before practice even begins utah lands a graduate transfer jake Bentley to play quarterback.

This is where the squares and patterns become prominent. What was the original objective of Jason Shelley. To lead the team to touchdowns win football games, make the playoff and win a championship. The circles didn’t change.

But the squares and patterns changed. Does coach doubt me? What made him doubt me? Do they see something I don’t? What did I do wrong? What does he hate me? This is my job, he said so last year. I haven’t had a chance to practice as much. They aren’t even looking at my film.

That is the static, all the emotional and narrative energy that flows through our minds.

Imagine what rickie Fowler had to block out. He was just voted over rated. He probably wanted to stick it to his peers. He was dreaming of the cameras flashing hugging his loved ones, putting the trophy on his mantle. But you see his focus. His mind didn’t wander from the objective. To the good the bad, the confusing, scary or frustrating.

Emotions and feelings are infinitely powerful and they can pull you off your objective like a gust of wind on a high rope.