Tag: life

A new chapter of my life

5:40pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday evening, August 12, 2022. Spent the day doing laundry and getting ready to leave. I will be in California the next two weeks for work and to visit family. In many ways a new chapter of my life begins tomorrow. Time to get started.

I am a calming influence

6:34pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday evening, July 21, 2022. A couple of weeks ago I wrote two questions on an index card; who am I? And, What do I want? The idea came from listening to a speech on finding purpose in life. The speaker noted we often limit thinking about our path in life to narrow parameters, without fully exploring what we want. In order to find purpose we must first find our identity. I wrote the questions with a thick marker and placed the card in the console of my car. I could see it as I drove and reflected on the questions but couldn’t articulate an answer until now. Here it is; I am a calming influence in the world and I want to share that with others. I have known that since I worked as a chaplain and now I have reclaimed it. No matter what I do going forward that will always be my guiding energy.

Because we choose to destroy it

6:37pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, April 13, 2022. There are seldom moments of tranquility found in the ocean of life. For various reasons, and I have listed many in the past, contentment does not last. That is because, on a base level, we enjoy seeking out challenge to froth up stress in our lives. Happiness isn’t fleeting because it is ephemeral, but because we choose to destroy it. After all, nothing enlivens a person more than almost dying.

Stay put

7:24am a part of me keeps trying to get out of stress. Another part of me tries to stay. I don’t know if I want to change. The dominant force wins. the chaos of work, of being in Arizona, changing jobs all the time is how I figured out what I wanted to give my daughter. A life in Orange County. Maybe it is madness. Maybe when I look back it will all make sense. Whatever the case I always say I want to change but never do. There has to be a reason. I choose to keep living this way

Last week

6:27am memories of last week have been coming back all morning. I loved waking up and taking the dog for a walk. Going to work out or staying at the apartment drinking coffee. The place was filled with love and life. Now it feels empty. I look forward to them coming back soon.

After dinner

8:12pm dinner was good. We went to the mall afterwards and walked around. The girls bought some crystals from a new age shop. Now they are discussing how to properly use them. Nice to have a weekend that doesn’t feel like it is choking the life out of me. I forgot what it was like to be active. What it was like to have fun

Morning

5:45am the weather was slightly cooler this morning. Nicer than the previous two days. I remembered to bring water for the dog. The sidewalk is still hot even at 4:30am. I thought about the WIL this morning. And family trips we took when my daughter was in elementary school. I remember how summer used to feel when I was 11/12 years older. What life felt like. The world was filled with possibility. Every experience became a part of the foundation that would shape my life perspective. As I got older I still felt the joy of accumulating moments to remember. Especially the time in Utah, as the chaplain, with the woman I love. I haven’t felt much lately. I glide through life mostly numb. Age, pandemic, lockdown, disappointment have worn me down. I am not complaining. I am still alive living life.