5:31am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 4, 2022. Feeling guilty is a constant companion in my life. Many times, I experience guilt without knowing a single reason why. In those incidences, when I am out in the emotional cold so to speak, my mind searches for the cause of my culpability, with no result being too absurd: a long misremembered childhood incident, calling a co-worker by the wrong name or a fumbled exchange in the grocery store line. All of them silly thoughts that serve no purpose other than to create a moment of internal embarrassment that is quickly forgotten. But there are other times the cause and effect of guilt is more severe; a missed opportunity to hug a lost loved one, failing to arrive on time for an important milestone as a parent or breaking the solemn vows of marriage. In those instances the internal emotion of guilt is often profound and lasts much longer. Yet, regardless of the reason the common theme in both those cases are the guilt emanates from inside. I can no longer be in a relationship where the other person deliberately tries to make me feel guilty. Life is hard enough without someone conspiring to bring me down. Nobody deserves that. I can feel guilty enough all on my own.
Tag: love
Finding Peace
9:31am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 5, 2022. Around 4am this morning a feeling of peace washed over me. It was a deep relaxing peace, reminiscent of visiting my parents home in my 20’s. Their house was always a safe haven I could leave to find adventure and, more importantly, always return to when I longed for love and security. Yesterday I lamented the inability to ever feel innocent again. Now I have felt it for almost five hours. It is so rare, I am savoring every minute and dreading when it inevitably goes away.
The women I love and the places they live
4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.
Illusion
6:46am that the illusion was shattered. I could find happiness for a moment but perpetual bliss did not exist. Happiness existed in the ephemera. A time making love, a fleeting memory. lunch with a friend. Those were times I could feel alive. At peace and hopeful. But they were mere grains of precious metal in a bin of the messy dirt of everyday life. The meetings, trudging to work, forms and fights that overwhelm existence. All we ever have are the moments.
Clarification
It is 6:10am in chandler. Still overcast and raining. I wanted to clarify one thing in regards to the WIL. I have let go. I let her live her life. the part of us that had the “affair” is gone. It no longer exists. But I still love her. I will always love her and am here for her when she needs me. What I am trying to say is we kept our love hidden. At first it was because we were young, sneaking around, having fun. As our relationship grew into something deeper it remained hidden so as not to hurt her husband and my wife. Now it is out in the open. Everyone knows. That is the way it should be. I don’t want to sneak around to be with the woman I love ever again. If we are together I want to be her boyfriend, her husband. I want to be the man she is proud to be with for eternity. I am not sure how she feels about me. I realize I will probably never see or hear from her again. But in my mind it is important to clarify where I stand. What my point of view is and how I approach our relationship going forward.
Friday Morning
5:33am, sitting at my computer in the Chandler apartment. Just finished going for a walk and working out at the complex gym. When I went for my walk it was cold and rainy. I had to grab my rain jacket. I haven’t worn a coat on my morning walk in months. Around 2am last night I started hearing thunder and seeing streaks of lightning through the bedroom window. The rain started shortly after and hasn’t stopped. The drainage area in the neighborhood was already full. The commute this morning is going to be slowed by flash floods. On the walk I thought about relationships. I reminisced about the ones I had in the past, the ones I am in now and the possibility of one in the future. I started to think about being with someone new. Feeling the excitement of falling in love. What would be the cost of trying? What would I have to do to make it happen? The fact is I am still married. No matter the strained state of our relationship we are still together. In our own unique way we remain committed to the promises we made two decades ago. I can’t go on a dating site and meet someone if I am still married. That being said, we could get a divorce. We talked about it this week. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility. That would free me and my wife to move on. We could admit it is over and make a fresh start with someone else. I am not sure about my wife but that is not a price I am not willing to pay. If we get a divorce we would no longer be a “family.” We would be split and most likely create two new families. If that happened I fear my relationship with my daughter would be destroyed. I would not get to spend as much time with her or see her. Especially if I meet someone who has children of her own. I can’t speak for my wife. Maybe she wants a divorce. If so I will go through with it but if I have the choice I choose to stay. No matter how dysfunctional we are right now we are still a family and we are still making it work. As much as I would like to meet someone I won’t sacrifice what I have with my wife and daughter.
Check in
11:20pm Tuesday night. Lying in bed. I Went to sleep early. Got up about an hour ago to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind is working. Thinking about alcohol, sex, love, pleasure, work. The slate is wiped clean. I am resetting my beliefs. When neurons fire I attach thoughts. The thoughts attach to feelings. They become a pair. I feel something, I think something. I never change the combination. Over time they might evolve. But seldom consciously change. Today made me realize I need to consciously let go of the WIL. I no longer give my most valuable energy to her. She is gone. She has moved on. I accept that. I let her go as well. I have the ability to be intimate. I am able to fall in love. The most valuable part of me can be given to someone else.
Saturday morning
4:19am Saturday morning. Heading out the door. Driving to Orange County. My thoughts are swirling as I think about work and love. The questions I ask in both circumstances are similar. Do I focus on perseverance or self-preservation? Do I remain loyal to an employer or a lover? Is my partner loyal to me? When I feel uncertainty do I hold on tighter or let go completely? Do I have the ability to make a logical choice or do emotions rule my action? What is my identity in a relationship? Will I ever find peace or will I always be frustrated?
Affirmation
3:40pm to be loved by the WIL was to be affirmed. All I cared about was her opinion. If she loved me I was doing it right. Whatever “it” was. Now I am no longer part of her life. That energy no longer exists for me. To be outside that energy after feeling it for so many years leaves my soul empty.
The WIL
8:49pm sometimes I marvel how I was ever worthy to be the WIL’s. The farther removed from our time together the less I feel worthy of her. I don’t think I could even speak if I saw her. She moved on without me and I can’t stop thinking about her. She kicked my ass. I can’t believe there was a time she loved me as insanely as I love her.
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