Tag: money

Overcoming the fallout

As an adult, I never had debt (except for car and house payments) until the summer 2017. At that point, with a significant amount of money saved up, I quit my corporate job and started a business from home. At first, the decision was exhilarating; I woke up every morning driven by purpose and peered into a future with endless possibility. There was no doubt in my mind; financial independence and peaceful days spent at the beach were just around the corner. But, before long, revenue stagnated and expenses increased. By the end of year one all my cash had run out. To stay afloat I dipped into long held CD’s and mutual funds; not just to support the business, but to cover basic household expenses, like rent and groceries. When that money was gone I took a chunk out of retirement before resorting to unsecured loans and credit card debt. By the time I went back to work I was broke with no savings and over $75,000 in debt. For the past year and a half I have worked to bring that sum under control. There is still a large amount to be paid back but, I am proud to say, it is considerably smaller, and I can see the path out. Ironically, the lesson learned was not achieving financial acumen by growing a successful business but rather, learning how to deal with money by overcoming the fallout of a failed one.

Money

1:54pm, afternoon, last Monday of November, in my office, Phoenix. I am not obsessed with making money. I want more if I can get it but the need doesn’t consume me. I work to make money but the jobs I do aren’t particularly exciting, enjoyable or rewarding. What if money wasn’t an issue? Scenario: I get my current salary/benefits + 3% COLA adjustment for the rest of my life. What would I do? First, I would focus on how the amount isn’t enough. I would complain that I can’t pay down debt, buy a decent house or cover current expenses. Then I would look for a job to make more money! Would I seriously do that? I hate to say it but I think it is true. I would be bored and getting a job would alleviate boredom and give me more financial power. Oh my hell. I can’t believe that. Now I am depressed.

Monday

7:59pm Monday night. After finishing dinner I cleaned the dishes and scrubbed the kitchen. I called my daughter to find out how school went. “Hi dad, bye dad.” Were her only words. My wife complained about money. We discussed plans for the weekend. I hung up then washed my face and brushed my teeth before crawling into bed. I read an interesting article on blues music. Then turned out the light to fall asleep.

Rabbit hole

6:15am my mind is going down a rabbit hole. I am thinking about creativity and work. Three thoughts. 1- I hold on to work because I believe that is the source of my material. 2- I hold on to work because I don’t believe I can earn money and support my family without structure and external pressure. 3- I write to relieve tension caused by work. If tension is gone will I write? If structure is gone will I go broke? If work is gone what will I write about? That is where I am. That is how I function. But I am frustrated. Because I work so much and only write as a reaction to feelings caused by work I am limited. *ABRUPT MINDSET CHANGE I create engaging and interactive content. I devote my energy to delighting people who interact with what I create.

Chaplain

2:15pm at lunch today I looked into being a chaplain. I have my degree. I have a work history. I have done clinical pastoral education. One thing I am missing is endorsement from an outside group. I checked out humanism. According to The Humanist Society “Humanism is a progressive philosophy of life that, without theism and other supernatural beliefs, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of self fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity” They have an endorsement that is aligned with the Association of Professional Chaplains (APC). APC is the top board certification for chaplains. I need to do this. My energy flows positive when I imagine myself a chaplain/writer. I am tired of feeling like shit for money.

Still on theme

6:39pm in the apartment. Picked up dinner for everyone, finished eating, now changing. I am still on the same theme today. My work history isn’t normal. No one should change jobs fourteen times in twelve years. No one should worry about being fired everyday. No one should have to give themselves a pep talk to get ready for work. I loved being a chaplain. I was empowered by the job. It wasn’t perfect but it was great as far as jobs go. It fit my personality. I hate operations and sales. I knew early I didn’t want to do operations. It wasn’t much longer I knew I hated sales. But work has a way of locking you in. Your resume shows experience in certain fields. Whether you like those fields is a different story. The immediacy of needing money and having a job override choice. Next thing you know you are depressed and stuck. I need to change.

Journey man redux

5:47am in the apartment. Took the dog for a long walk this morning. We are both tired. I know I mentioned before that my post chaplain career has felt like being a “journeyman” professional athlete. I bounce from team to team. I seldom stay for more than a season. I am never settled, never at home. I have a particular set of skills that are valuable to a team. I fill a needed position. I show up, work hard and get paid. After a while the team management decides to go in a different direction or try something new. I update my resume, look for a new opportunity, get a new job and the cycle repeats. It hasn’t been terrible. I get to travel. I make decent money. But it is tiring not having a permanent job. I miss stability. I miss having peace of mind. I want to wake up and not feel like I am about to be fired every single day I go to work. How long can I continue to do this? Will I miss it when it is over? And most importantly, what is the alternative? What will I do if I am not doing this?

Poet

5:48am Friday. This morning on my walk I realized who I am. I am a poet. Not in a romantic sense. Or a professional. Or even good at the craft. Rather if I was left alone, if I had to fill my time, I would sit silently, think and write. That is my default setting. I always knew that. Yet it was difficult to declare. I thought in order to say that I needed to be talented. I needed adoration. I needed to earn money. Today on my walk I accepted I can be who I am.

Glimmer of narrative

5:54am Wednesday while walking this morning I started to see a glimmer of a narrative I can embrace. It is the narrative that I was a journeyman salesperson. reliable but not outstanding. I accept that narrative about sales because I have perspective. That career is in the past. I also thought about being a chaplain this morning. I had an honest discussion with myself about why I don’t go back. Reasons include, money, lifestyle, challenge, expectations for my daughter. But I did come up with a new look forward goal. Being a prn chaplain. Just being called when needed to see people or do assessments. Not full time, not set hours.