Eventually all things are lost

6:41pm, mountain standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Sunday evening, January 22, 2023. There is a finite amount of time left in Arizona. I am struggling to say goodbye. I can’t stay but, letting go is difficult. A part of me exists here that doesn’t subsist anywhere else; waking up in my apartment, going for walks, exercising in the gym and drinking coffee while watching the weather. It is the best start to a morning I have ever experienced. Now the opportunities do those things are dwindling. Life is like that; you celebrate times and then let them go. It was just announced the minor league baseball team in Salt Lake City, Utah is moving to the suburbs. They are going to tear down the stadium in the area where I have watched games since I was nine years old. So many memories with my brother, my dad, my family exist in that ballpark. It is sad to see it go but, time marches on. Eventually all things fade and are lost. We have no choice but to enjoy them while we can and miss them when they are no longer here.

Smith’a Ballpark, Salt Lake City, Utah, photo by Erik Alberto/Axios

Getting serious about the move

6:09pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Thursday night, January 5, 2023. Time to start getting serious about the move to California. I need to establish residency for my drivers license renewal so I booked an apartment tour this coming Saturday in Lake Forest. I don’t know much about the area other than it seems nice and is close to my daughter and her mom without being too close. Besides, I won’t be there very often what with traveling for work and all. I can’t believe how much things have changed recently. Not even two years ago I knew nothing about Arizona or what job I would have. Now, that time is coming to an end.

Made me a little sad

3:16pm, mountain standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Sunday afternoon, December 4, 2022. It was still raining this morning when I woke up so I walked on a treadmill at the gym instead of exercising outside. Later, when it stopped raining, I went for a walk through the neighborhood. The skies have been grey this weekend, which is unusual for Arizona. The gloom makes me introspective. There are only a handful of weekends I will be here before permanently moving back to California. Yesterday, I stopped by the office to let them know I won’t be renewing my lease. I am glad I took care of that detail but, to tell you the truth, it made me a little sad.

So much will be different

3:16pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Sunday afternoon, October 9, 2022. Left Chandler at 5am this morning and got to Dana Point just before 11:30am. The drive was alright but I have been sad realizing next month I will not come to Dana Point any more. That is going to be hard. So much will be different in the next couple of weeks.

Tuesday morning

5:39am It feels like a lightening storm is going off in my brain. I have all these thoughts that flash bright then disappear. There are so many things I want but don’t know how to get. I miss Orange County. I miss my daughter. I miss seeing her everyday and taking her to activities. I want to succeed professionally. I want a stable income. I want to stay in Arizona. I want to move. I want to buy a house. I want to quit. It is emotionally draining. I have the Denver interview today at 8am. I have my one on one with my supervisor at 11:30am.