Tag: night

High Steppin’

5:31am (Trying the letter to future self theme) What should I tell you? Yesterday you went to work. The employee you spoke with on Monday about job performance came in and resigned. That was alright. You were going to put her on a performance improvement plan. Her choosing to leave relieved stress. The day turned positive. In the afternoon you drove to Anthem. Anthem is way north of Phoenix. You went out there to get some forms signed for the LA office. The person that needed to sign the forms was not available. You met one of the chaplains up there and gave them to him to have signed. Since yesterday morning you have felt renewed. Which is nice. Wednesday was an awful day. On Wednesday you wanted more than anything to quit, find a job as a chaplain and never look back. You blew off calls with the clinical leadership of the senior living communities. You came home and took an hour and half lunch. You spent most of the day in your office with the door shut. But yesterday was different. Now you can see a path to turning the site around and making it profitable. That is a goal you want to achieve. Last night You drank two beers before dinner. It was gross. You didn’t enjoy them. They made you feel sick. And you didn’t sleep well. Beers on Thursday nights used to be the best. You woke up this morning at 3:47am. You went for a walk and worked out. You thought about work and for the most part you were happy on the walk. It is easier to be happy on Friday. It was the first walk you did both extra loops to increase distance. Your core muscles feel stronger when you walk more. On the walk you started thinking about the WIL but you made yourself stop. You were feeling hurt and cycling about being dumped by her back in 2017. Yesterday you started applying the “one day at a time” mindset to work days. You realized you need to focus on the moment. Not try to reconcile the past. Not plan the future. Writing that sentence made you think of an Avett Brothers song. “See, you can only live one day at a time, only drive one hot rod at a time, only say one word at a time, and only think one thought at a time.” The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’.

The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’

Sunday night

8:18pm I am in a resentful mood. I have been at this job for six months. Things should be settling in. Instead I am dealing with constant upheaval. That creates a battle inside me. half of me wants to do what I always do. own the failure. Blame myself. The other half refuses to take blame. That half of me is pissed this situation was so bad to begin with. I like the latter half of me. I will not take the blame for this garbage heap.

Midnight

12:05am Saturday night/Sunday morning. I am in my apartment. I can’t sleep. I was awakened by a strange noise. an intermittent plastic clicking sound. I assumed it was the blinds hitting each other in the dining room because I had left the fans on to circulate the air. That had to be it. the blinds were swaying in the draft made by the fans. They were knocking against each other and making a noise. I got up and turned off all the fans. But the noise continued. I was perplexed and a annoyed. What was making that noise? I walked around the apartment trying to locate the source. I went into the living room, the dining room and the kitchen but couldn’t identify what was causing it. I wanted to give up but it was nagging me. Finally I realized The sound wasn’t coming from outside the bedroom. It was coming from inside the bedroom. Something in my room was making the sound. I followed the noise until I found the source. It was in the hallway/closet area leading to the master bath. A distinct clicking sound. Once I discovered the source I realized that wasn’t the only sound. there was another noise. The sound of an animal scurrying. My adrenaline started to flow. What was it? Did I have mice, rats or something else in my closet? What should I do? Should I call an exterminator? Should I take care of it myself? Was it dangerous? Rabid? Did I have the means to kill it? My mind raced. I couldn’t formulate a plan or figure out what to do. Then I heard the noise again. It wasn’t coming from the closet. It was coming from the light fixture in the hallway. The clicking sound followed by the scurrying. I stared at the light for a minute or two. What was it? Something trapped in the ceiling? In the wall? I couldn’t decide what to do. Finally I flipped the light switch on to see better. When I did that I could see the problem. It wasn’t an animal caught in my ceiling. It was a bug. A giant bug. A giant bug trapped in the fixture trying to get out. It looks like a cockroach. It is big enough to make a loud noise as it hits the cover. I am relived I found the source. Now what do I do? I don’t like the noise but I don’t really want to remove the cover, unleash a cockroach in my bedroom and try to hunt it down. I will just make it through the night and assess the situation in the morning. Though I have a feeling I will be sleeping uneasy and having dreams about bugs.

Friday night

8:13pm on Friday night. In the apartment. Have the sliding glass door open and letting the cool air in. I haven’t done that since the beginning of may. The apartment is cooling down. It feels nice. Watched a little of a movie, talked to my daughter. They are going to come visit on Sunday and stay for the week. I am excited to have a full house again.

Salvation please

7:25pm Friday night, I want to be saved. To find success. Or even stability. My mind is exhausted. I think a million thoughts that add up to nothing. I have written over 1000 posts. Do they matter to anyone but me? I should solicit an audience, try and connect. Someone needs to knows I am alive. That I have thoughts. That I feel emotions. Why do I stay hidden yet want to be known? I wear myself the fuck out

Friday night

10:03pm I get mad at myself when I write lot of posts in one day. I don’t get upset for writing down my thoughts. I appreciate the continuity when I go back and read them. I get mad because so many posts in one day makes it tedious when I transcribe them to a word document. I like to get through a certain number of days when I transfer the posts over for publication. If a day has many posts it takes longer to accomplish the task.