Tuesday morning

5:39am It feels like a lightening storm is going off in my brain. I have all these thoughts that flash bright then disappear. There are so many things I want but don’t know how to get. I miss Orange County. I miss my daughter. I miss seeing her everyday and taking her to activities. I want to succeed professionally. I want a stable income. I want to stay in Arizona. I want to move. I want to buy a house. I want to quit. It is emotionally draining. I have the Denver interview today at 8am. I have my one on one with my supervisor at 11:30am.

Monday morning

5:49am in the apartment, on the couch. Sipping coffee and watching the weather. The temperature is supposed to be high this week. I like the cooler air. I would rather wear a jacket. I live in the wrong place. I am thinking about change. Do I want to change work? One factor to consider is pay. The job in Denver says the rate they are starting at is 10% higher than my salary now. a higher pay check would alleviate pressure. I ran through a lot of retirement and savings in Orange County. I incurred debt. While I have made more money since switching to operations I am getting by, not getting ahead. A raise in pay could change my circumstances.

Family left

6:56am my family left Arizona to go back to Orange County. They got on the road at 5am. I went for a walk after they pulled out. Then I went and worked out, came back to the apartment, made a cup of coffee and cleaned up a little. I miss having them here. There is the feeling of two apartments. When they are here the apartment is filled with energy, bodies and stuff. The girls are playing games, watching videos and ready for adventure. When they are gone the apartment is empty, quiet and depressing.

Songs from the ride home

5:47pm, reclining on my couch in chandler. On the ride home from Orange County three songs reminded me of the WIL and Utah. “…a little voice inside my head said, ‘don’t look back, you can never look back.’” Boys of summer, Don Henley. “All I do is miss you and the way we used to be…” Romeo and Juliet, Dire Straights. “Good bye to all my friends at home, goodbye to people I’ve trusted. I got to go out and make my way I might get rich, you know, I might get busted.” Jet Airliner, Steve Miller Band.

Saturday morning

4:19am Saturday morning. Heading out the door. Driving to Orange County. My thoughts are swirling as I think about work and love. The questions I ask in both circumstances are similar. Do I focus on perseverance or self-preservation? Do I remain loyal to an employer or a lover? Is my partner loyal to me? When I feel uncertainty do I hold on tighter or let go completely? Do I have the ability to make a logical choice or do emotions rule my action? What is my identity in a relationship? Will I ever find peace or will I always be frustrated?

Surreal

3:32pm the family being gone and back in Orange County makes today feel surreal. Like time opened up and offered a different reality. I had been here alone for months.When they were here it was a new experience. The apartment felt more comfortable, work felt less consuming. Now they have left. I washed the sheets and cleaned the counters. everything is back to how it was before they came.