6:23am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, April 3, 2022. The mood this weekend was awkward. Shortly after arriving in Orange County, my daughters mom made it clear she was in a bad mood and would be staying at a hotel. She didn’t say why but, it being our anniversary weekend surely was a contributing factor. I struggle with how to be supportive. On one hand, we are still married and, in many ways, still committed to each other. But it is obvious the best years of our relationship are in the past. We have drifted apart and frankly I don’t have the desire or energy to engage with her. I am no longer sure what we are accomplishing by being together. Maybe we need to make a complete break and divorce.
Tag: Orange County
Waves of the collective ocean
4:47pm, at a trampoline park, Orange County, California, Saturday afternoon, April 2, 2022. The human soul is prone to sink by default; constantly threatening to drown in defeat, suffocating under embarrassment and flailing through uncontrollable loss. We are fated to a life of learning how to existentially swim as it were. That is, develop our own personal technique to rise above this un-chosen destiny. It is the only way to achieve anything that approaches true happiness. Of course, peace is not found through aggressive defiance. Constantly fighting negative experience simply burns a person out. No, true happiness is found when we accept our circumstance without giving in to it; floating along on the waves, being one with the collective ocean, available to the rare times tranquility finds us and gives us respite. After all, perpetual joy can’t be found and human suffering is never eradicated, but the few times we do accomplish such things are worth the effort life asks of us.
Always ends up being wrong
Written 6:09pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 29, 2022. The office will permanently close soon. Two tense meetings yesterday pointing out a “lack of viability” made that clear. What does it mean for me, my family, our future if this office closes? I could stay in Arizona, get a new job, see what next year looks like. I could look for a job in California like I planned, but last month I applied and interviewed for a job in Orange County and it wasn’t a great experience. I could pack everything up, go to Wyoming/Utah, be close to my mom (she will be 80 this year). I could try someplace new (Las Vegas?) I am frustrated. I can’t keep looking for-and taking- jobs I don’t have the talent or desire to do. I am caught in a vicious circle; my resume and financial needs keep me looking for executive jobs, and I am good enough to get them. But after a year (if not sooner) we are sick of each other and disappointed with the results. It is absurd. I need to make a change. There is creative energy that flows pure in my heart. I want to honor and pursue that. Where does it lead, if anywhere? Can I set ego and practicality aside? Am I selfish for wanting to change? No matter what the choice, it always ends up being wrong.
So anything is possible
5:26am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 25, 2022. The corporate training session ended yesterday at 3pm. Instead of going to the office I grabbed a couple beers on the way home, took a nap then watched basketball. The evening was relaxing. I got to call my mom (she was driving to Salt Lake City), see what is going on in the news and enjoy the games. Now it is time to bear down and catch up on work. There are so many tasks piled up I can’t get them all done right away. I will go into the office at 8am and get as much done as I can. At least it is Friday, so I only have to work one day before the weekend. Tomorrow I will go to Orange County and spend time with my daughter. We haven’t made any definitive plans but the weather will be nice so anything is possible.
Not much going on, I got a haircut
6:02am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, March 21, 2022. The drive to Arizona yesterday was exhausting. I left Orange County a quarter after eleven, stopped for gas and a quick haircut (the first in over two years, my daughters mom has been cutting my hair since March of 2020), then was on the road by noon. I noticed yesterday morning the East bound interstate was closed for construction around Glendale (Arizona) so I factored in extra drive time. However, about sixty miles from Phoenix, GPS started adding large chunks of time. Apparently, in addition to construction, a major accident was backing traffic up significantly. The result was a long, slow, detour through crowded industrial areas on the west side of Phoenix. By the time I walked in the door of the apartment at 6:30pm I was tired and cranky. I let everyone know I arrived safely before eating dinner and going to bed. Now it is time to get ready for another week of work.
Learning a hard lesson
7:04am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, March 20, 2022. The first talk of job cuts happened Friday afternoon. I called my supervisor regarding another matter but she brought up the hard truth instead. I understand. Things are not going well and there isn’t a quick fix on the horizon. The situation is beyond frustrating for everyone involved. I personally feel incapacitated, like watching a slow motion disaster unfold; I can see the horror happening, but am helpless to stop it. In the past, I focused on what that meant to me; loss of direct income, family instability, bruising of personal pride. But today is different. Today I feel I let down those that depend on the businesses success to care for their families and sustain households. It is a crushing weight to bear and I feel every ounce of it. I am learning a hard lesson; there is no nobility in failure. Merely trying is not enough. I need to get better, improve my skills, or I am of no value to anyone else.
At the height of our love
3:15pm, at a car wash in Laguna Hills, California, Saturday afternoon, March 19, 2022. My daughters mom was having a hard morning dealing with the chaos from last nights sleepover so when I got to Dana Point I took the girls to get drinks at the local coffee shop before getting lunch. After the friend went home my daughter and I came to the car wash for a long overdo vehicle cleaning. Once the car is done we will go to the apartment and watch anime the rest of the evening. Last night at the pet store the cashier complimented my tattoo. I was kind of surprised because no one has noticed it for a long time. So long that sometimes I forget it is there, even though it takes up all my upper arm. I didn’t think much of the exchange until today an employee at the coffee shop also complimented me on the tattoo. It has been over eleven years since I got it, a testament to the love the WIL and I shared so many years ago. This week has held many flashbacks of my time in Utah, none more powerful than remembering the WIL and who we were at the height of our love.
It probably doesn’t matter
8:02am, Blythe, California, Saturday morning, March 19, 2022. Stopped just across the state line to rest for a bit and grab a cup of coffee. This morning started slow. I overslept and was in a hurry to make up time. Unfortunately, I got even further behind because of heavy construction traffic outside Phoenix. All those factors, coupled with the start of daylight savings time, has me in a bad mood. I should really let it go though, we don’t have any plans, so it probably doesn’t matter.
Something better will come along
4:41pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, March 8, 2022. I missed posting yesterday. That was disappointing because I usually post at least once a day. I got busy in the morning and feel asleep early last night so I missed doing my job. oh well, I can’t go back and change the past. Now I am in my office waiting for the new clinical director to pack up and leave. I hope she gets out soon, I want to go home. Today has been a busy, long, painful experience. We have process issues and I am getting tired of dealing with them. The recruiter contacted me about the Orange County job. They offered the job to someone else. Apparently, I was their second choice. I can’t say I am overly disappointed, the opportunity didn’t seem right. When I am ready, something better will come along.
Breaking news: Saturday recap
7:31am, Dana point, California, Sunday morning, March 6, 2022. The weather was cold and windy yesterday so the festivities in Dana Point were slightly muted. We got to the harbor around 1pm. There was no parking, so I dropped the girls off and circled back up the hill before walking down to meet them. By the time I got there they had walked to the other end of the harbor. I was a little put out but was thankful I (and they) got some much needed exercise. We ate a late lunch before going to the mall. We dropped my daughters friend off at 5:30pm and headed back to the apartment. As we walked up I realized I didn’t have a key and the door was locked. So we went back out to find my daughter’s mom, get the key and head home to take care of the dog. After that, we watched some television, read a little, then got ready for bed.
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