Tag: peace

Work again

12:10pm in my office. Writing another post about work. Of course. The meeting at the coffee shop went alright. I appreciate the nurse sharing her perceptions. I made some changes in the reporting structure to mitigate the issues. The changes will be beneficial but they will hurt the pride of some other employees. I did what had to be done. I need to control the situation. I have felt a sense of peace since I looked for jobs this morning. In a way it made this job feel brand new. Which revitalized me. Four hours later I am drained. But it was nice to have reprieve. I have felt peace a couple of times in the last two days. I don’t get to feel that tension release often.

Journey man redux

5:47am in the apartment. Took the dog for a long walk this morning. We are both tired. I know I mentioned before that my post chaplain career has felt like being a “journeyman” professional athlete. I bounce from team to team. I seldom stay for more than a season. I am never settled, never at home. I have a particular set of skills that are valuable to a team. I fill a needed position. I show up, work hard and get paid. After a while the team management decides to go in a different direction or try something new. I update my resume, look for a new opportunity, get a new job and the cycle repeats. It hasn’t been terrible. I get to travel. I make decent money. But it is tiring not having a permanent job. I miss stability. I miss having peace of mind. I want to wake up and not feel like I am about to be fired every single day I go to work. How long can I continue to do this? Will I miss it when it is over? And most importantly, what is the alternative? What will I do if I am not doing this?

Peace in the suffering

8:57am Saturday morning, palm desert. I often get anxious and frustrated. When I can’t quickly find peace I begin to panic. I start to believe I am trapped in an awful situation with no way out. I think about running away. Of trying to escape. Of death and dying. I would do anything to stop the suffering. Sometimes I go for walks. Get drunk. Try to distract myself. Then when I don’t think I can endure any longer the moment passes. I look back and wonder how it got so desperate. How I almost broke. I vow to change my circumstances. To change who I am. To never make myself that vulnerable again. But before long I feel happiness. I enjoy a moment of peace. At those times I forget how scared I was. What was at stake. How I nearly broke down, almost lost myself and nearly died. I go back to ignoring my worries and skip through life. Until I start to feel the fear and it starts all over again.

Trying to have it all

5:57am the first time I felt panic was in 2006. I overextended myself at work and started my MBA. I had too much going on. I tried to find peace by resolving every issue that caused stress. I failed. There was always something to solve. I couldn’t relax. I feel the same now. I keep try to find a way to make everything alright. There is never going to be that moment. This is as close as I will get. Today I will not try and solve everything. I will just be present.

Tuesday Morning

5:37am I did not have a lot to say yesterday. I was still feeling run down. I sent an email to a wrong person causing embarrassment. I missed my exit coming home. I was not attentive. Today feels better. Operations review this afternoon. A couple of other meetings. I am not as confident. Friday drained me. Yesterday wasn’t better. I believe it is good. I need to find a pace I can sustain. Not be overly high or low.