Some answers will never be known

11:37am, pacific standard time, Santa Ana/Orange County/John Wayne Airport, Santa Ana, California, USA, Monday morning, October 17, 2022. Waiting for my flight to Oakland. It was a good weekend in Orange County. Since learning of my new assignment in Palm Desert I have felt at peace. The future, present and past are in balance, which feels nice. Today is the 16 year anniversary of my dad’s death. Lots of memories of him and where I was sixteen years ago. I was working as a hospice chaplain in Ogden, Utah. When we heard the news we gathered in Wyoming the rest of the week and had the memorial service on the 20th. I miss him and wonder who I would be if he hadn’t died at the age of 65. I guess some answers will never be known.

Last Christmas present

2:22pm, office in Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, December 13, 2021. The last Christmas present for my daughter has been purchased. On New Year’s Eve morning we are going to go indoor skydiving. I hope she is up for adventure, I paid extra to go higher and faster.

Indoor skydiving. Photo courtesy of AZCentral https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.azcentral.com/amp/96952546

Back at the pool

12:00pm back at the pool. Last day the family is here. It has been chaotic and exhausting having the family here. yet I dread them leaving. I don’t want to be alone. we are going to go to a drive in firework show tonight. I have felt anxious. Starting to think about work. Need to stay present. In the moment.

Relax

5:47am I am relaxed. I am enjoying the moment. I am present. Tomorrow can wait. Today is a perfect, beautiful, simple time. I savor it.

Be present

5:42am this week is a moment. Something that I looked forward to for a long time. My family with me for a whole week. I want to enjoy this time. Stay in the moment. Four years ago I pictured a perfect scenario with the WIL. A Sunday afternoon in the fall, us together. Having drinks, making love, holding each other, laughing. Not too long after I envisioned the scenario the opportunity fell into place. I was going to be in utah on a Sunday in September and she was able to get away for a couple hours. I was so excited. I went to the gym, worked out, showered. However as I got ready a funny thing happened. My mind started to wander. I began thinking about the things I had to do the following week. It was bizarre. I was literally in my ideal scenario with the person I love and I was not staying present. I wasn’t in the moment. I quickly saw the absurdity. But only because the events of the day were so aligned with my fantasy. If not I might never had noticed my mistake. I learned my lesson that day. Don’t waste a cherished experience by not being fully present in the moment.