Might as well be Sunday

11:25am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, April 10, 2022. The usual Sunday anxiety is bad today, even more so than usual. No matter what I do there is no respite. Ironically, that has made me productive. I worked on my personal expenses, then filled out an application for ecclesiastical endorsement in preparation for pursuing Chaplain work. After that I cleaned the house a little. There is nothing to feel bad about, so why do I feel anxious? It is easy to blame the stress at work but, honestly, that isn’t the issue. Maybe there is no explanation. In the end, some day of the week has to be the worst, might as well be Sunday.

Burned by bad theory

11:24am I burned myself with a bad theory. I hypothesized if I stopped romanticizing leisure I would have no choice but to embrace work. If I embraced work more consistently I would be more productive and successful. Maybe that is true to an extent. But has the value of “success” outweighed the loss of relaxing rejuvenation? I feel I sacrificed what truly made me happy for minimal gain.

The narrative

Looking back on my posts I can see the narrative I am writing (living). How I choose to frame the situation, the observations I am making and how I interpret events.

Am I walking a path of a thousand miles or am I futilely going around in circles?

My pattern of behavior has been consistent for decades. I have been in lows before and and have hit many highs.

I am in a low right now.

And it feels like it will never end.

It is self pity but I wish my consistent pattern was a little more productive. Or stable. Or this low would end.