A professional band-aid

5:53pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Wednesday evening, November 9, 2022. Had my 90 day evaluation today. It went well. My supervisor gave me a 4 out of five rating, which means I am exceeding expectations. She highlighted my skills and energy, even calling me the “band-aid.” When a site has leadership turmoil I come in and soothe the situation. I like that analogy. I can live with being a professional band-aid right now.

Chaplain

2:15pm at lunch today I looked into being a chaplain. I have my degree. I have a work history. I have done clinical pastoral education. One thing I am missing is endorsement from an outside group. I checked out humanism. According to The Humanist Society “Humanism is a progressive philosophy of life that, without theism and other supernatural beliefs, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of self fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity” They have an endorsement that is aligned with the Association of Professional Chaplains (APC). APC is the top board certification for chaplains. I need to do this. My energy flows positive when I imagine myself a chaplain/writer. I am tired of feeling like shit for money.

Journey man redux

5:47am in the apartment. Took the dog for a long walk this morning. We are both tired. I know I mentioned before that my post chaplain career has felt like being a “journeyman” professional athlete. I bounce from team to team. I seldom stay for more than a season. I am never settled, never at home. I have a particular set of skills that are valuable to a team. I fill a needed position. I show up, work hard and get paid. After a while the team management decides to go in a different direction or try something new. I update my resume, look for a new opportunity, get a new job and the cycle repeats. It hasn’t been terrible. I get to travel. I make decent money. But it is tiring not having a permanent job. I miss stability. I miss having peace of mind. I want to wake up and not feel like I am about to be fired every single day I go to work. How long can I continue to do this? Will I miss it when it is over? And most importantly, what is the alternative? What will I do if I am not doing this?

Poet

5:48am Friday. This morning on my walk I realized who I am. I am a poet. Not in a romantic sense. Or a professional. Or even good at the craft. Rather if I was left alone, if I had to fill my time, I would sit silently, think and write. That is my default setting. I always knew that. Yet it was difficult to declare. I thought in order to say that I needed to be talented. I needed adoration. I needed to earn money. Today on my walk I accepted I can be who I am.