Consistent, direct and knowledgeable

6:16pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Friday night, January 6, 2023. Since I can remember my sole focus in relationships has been pleasing others. That is, trying to make people like me by being agreeable. While positivity is commendable, I wonder; was I ever anything more than inoffensive? Did I provide value to those that encountered me on the road of life? If I am honest, the answer is “No.” I didn’t know who I was, my sense of self was not defined. Consequently, I feared being exposed as an imposter if someone got too close or asked too many questions. I don’t feel that way any more. Recently, I started my third year as a director and leader. Now I provide considerable more value in relationships because I am consistent, direct and knowledgeable. I appreciate who I was in the past but I enjoy even more who I am in the present.

The end of guilt

5:31am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 4, 2022. Feeling guilty is a constant companion in my life. Many times, I experience guilt without knowing a single reason why. In those incidences, when I am out in the emotional cold so to speak, my mind searches for the cause of my culpability, with no result being too absurd: a long misremembered childhood incident, calling a co-worker by the wrong name or a fumbled exchange in the grocery store line. All of them silly thoughts that serve no purpose other than to create a moment of internal embarrassment that is quickly forgotten. But there are other times the cause and effect of guilt is more severe; a missed opportunity to hug a lost loved one, failing to arrive on time for an important milestone as a parent or breaking the solemn vows of marriage. In those instances the internal emotion of guilt is often profound and lasts much longer. Yet, regardless of the reason the common theme in both those cases are the guilt emanates from inside. I can no longer be in a relationship where the other person deliberately tries to make me feel guilty. Life is hard enough without someone conspiring to bring me down. Nobody deserves that. I can feel guilty enough all on my own.

A moment of balance

5:40am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 2, 2022. The trip with my mom from Henderson, Nevada to Chandler was more taxing than anticipated yesterday. We got in around 1pm, rested, then got dinner and watched a movie. All things considered, it was a good day. Right now I am enjoying a moment of balance; life is not overwhelmingly great but, many aspects feel calm. I can bear my job, I am at peace with my relationships, I appreciate the place I live, I accept my past and look forward to a bright future.

Divorce?

6:23am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, April 3, 2022. The mood this weekend was awkward. Shortly after arriving in Orange County, my daughters mom made it clear she was in a bad mood and would be staying at a hotel. She didn’t say why but, it being our anniversary weekend surely was a contributing factor. I struggle with how to be supportive. On one hand, we are still married and, in many ways, still committed to each other. But it is obvious the best years of our relationship are in the past. We have drifted apart and frankly I don’t have the desire or energy to engage with her. I am no longer sure what we are accomplishing by being together. Maybe we need to make a complete break and divorce.

So anything is possible

5:26am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, March 25, 2022. The corporate training session ended yesterday at 3pm. Instead of going to the office I grabbed a couple beers on the way home, took a nap then watched basketball. The evening was relaxing. I got to call my mom (she was driving to Salt Lake City), see what is going on in the news and enjoy the games. Now it is time to bear down and catch up on work. There are so many tasks piled up I can’t get them all done right away. I will go into the office at 8am and get as much done as I can. At least it is Friday, so I only have to work one day before the weekend. Tomorrow I will go to Orange County and spend time with my daughter. We haven’t made any definitive plans but the weather will be nice so anything is possible.

Focusing on something, anything else

5:34am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, March 23, 2022. Yesterday’s training ran right up to 5pm, followed by a team building dinner in Tempe. It was after 9pm when I finally walked in the door, got ready for bed and fell asleep. To conserve energy, I skipped this morning’s early walk and gym workout. The training resumes at 8am today, so no lazy morning routine like yesterday. My daughter called last night. I talked to her while at the restaurant waiting for our food order to be served. She hasn’t called or responded to texts lately so I was thankful to hear from her. She wanted to discuss anime and a new figurine she got. I have to admit, her excitement is contagious. She has me looking for figurines I want to buy for myself! I know I said this yesterday but, it is so nice to be out of the office and focusing on something, anything, else.

At the height of our love

3:15pm, at a car wash in Laguna Hills, California, Saturday afternoon, March 19, 2022. My daughters mom was having a hard morning dealing with the chaos from last nights sleepover so when I got to Dana Point I took the girls to get drinks at the local coffee shop before getting lunch. After the friend went home my daughter and I came to the car wash for a long overdo vehicle cleaning. Once the car is done we will go to the apartment and watch anime the rest of the evening. Last night at the pet store the cashier complimented my tattoo. I was kind of surprised because no one has noticed it for a long time. So long that sometimes I forget it is there, even though it takes up all my upper arm. I didn’t think much of the exchange until today an employee at the coffee shop also complimented me on the tattoo. It has been over eleven years since I got it, a testament to the love the WIL and I shared so many years ago. This week has held many flashbacks of my time in Utah, none more powerful than remembering the WIL and who we were at the height of our love.

If this is the end

8:43pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, March 18, 2022. My betta fish looks sick. I am not sure what is wrong but there seems to be an infection around her gills. I cleaned her tank earlier this evening, then went to the pet store and got a product purported to promote healing. Hopefully it works and she will be alright. I am emotionally attached to that fish. My daughter picked her out over Easter weekend last year. Since then, that fish has been my loyal housemate; eagerly greeting me when I get home from work, hoping for a couple of pinches of food before I settle in for dinner and swimming to the front of her tank every morning before I leave. She is such a part of my daily routine, I would be sad to lose her if this is the end.

See how the year plays out

7:40pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, March 9, 2022. After much thought and inner debate, I renewed my Arizona lease this afternoon. The choice was based on a number of factors; cost savings, lack of desire to move or change jobs, and perceived economic instability from current events.along those lines, my daughters mom told me the emergency plan is for the family to rendezvous at my apartment. That alone was enough to sway me but then she mentioned in California if you let your lease expire they can raise your rent to market rate, where if you renew there is a cap on the amount they are able to increase. I don’t know if that is true in Arizona, but in the end I made the decision to stay. Of course nothing is set in stone, so we will see how the year plays out.

Proud parent

6:48pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, March 3, 2022. Today was the second day of parent/teacher conferences at my daughters school. It is always interesting at these things to hear about a version of your child different than you expect. All the instructors mentioned her confidence, leadership and focus. Attributes, frankly, I feared she lacked. I brought that up on one of the calls and asked the teacher to explain why I didn’t easily see those traits in her. The teacher replied home is often the place where kids get to relax, so we, as parents, don’t always see a true version of their public persona. She assured me our daughter displays all those traits and more. What’s more, she is a thoughtful wonderful person who is well on her way to becoming an amazing woman. That made me happy to hear. I can honestly say I am very proud parent tonight.