Tag: saturday

Saturday morning

8:31am Saturday morning. Palm desert. As I drove my mind recalled moments when I felt at peace, times in my life I felt unburdened by expectation or remorse. It was then I felt most childlike, though I was far from innocent and very much an adult. I longed to retrace my steps and find that experience again; a moment when the world was filled with wonder, I was assured my existence held purpose and in my heart I was truly content.

Saturday afternoon

4:53pm Saturday afternoon, Dana Point. Upon arriving in Orange County I stopped to grab my mail from the post office. Then I continued to my wife and daughters house. My daughter was excited to play a new game, my wife was finishing work before she left to run errands. I took the dog for a walk around the complex then returned to eat lunch. When I finished I felt tired, so I laid on the couch and took a nap.

Saturday morning

8:32am Saturday morning, Palm Desert. What did it matter in the end? Regardless of the life I lived I seldom if ever made a choice. Rather, events transpired, circumstances occurred and I was presented a new life to accept. I was never the force but rather the object acted upon. Unknown energy pushes me and I rationalize my fate.

Monday morning

5:42am Monday morning. When I woke up I felt refreshed. My rest had been good. Then I remembered it was Monday and felt dejected. I rolled over, turned on the light and laid still on my back for a moment. I didn’t feel the desire to get up. I thought about Saturday mornings, long car trips and peaceful walks. Anything to distract me from the looming day. For as long as I could remember I thought it my mission to avoid mornings like these. But I have come to realize all I can really hope is to endure.

Saturday

6:25am Arizona. On Saturday I woke up late and took a walk through the neighborhood. Dark thin clouds with sun lit edges crowded the eastern sky. Heat from the sidewalk made the air feel wet and thick. I slowed my pace to keep cool. When I returned I made toast and eggs for breakfast then went downstairs to check the post box. There was a law enforcement notice from Washington state addressed to a name I did not recognize. I thought about opening it but decided not to. I put it on a pile of unopened mail and went to take a shower.

Palm desert

8:54am this morning on the drive from Phoenix to palm desert you had a great experience. The landscape reminded you of the drive from wendover back to Salt Lake City. You remembered Saturday’s in the fall, driving out to wendover, reading the newspaper and making bets on football games. then driving back listening to game highlights on the radio. You remembered how content and happy you were on those drives. That made you think about how when this job ends you will accept it. Then you thought about getting another job. When you think about getting a sales/operations job your energy feels like poison. When you think about writing/chaplain or something new it feels pure. You are on the right track. You love these Saturday morning drives to see your daughter. Stopping to get coffee and donuts. Listening to music and books on tape. you are happy today.

Midnight

12:05am Saturday night/Sunday morning. I am in my apartment. I can’t sleep. I was awakened by a strange noise. an intermittent plastic clicking sound. I assumed it was the blinds hitting each other in the dining room because I had left the fans on to circulate the air. That had to be it. the blinds were swaying in the draft made by the fans. They were knocking against each other and making a noise. I got up and turned off all the fans. But the noise continued. I was perplexed and a annoyed. What was making that noise? I walked around the apartment trying to locate the source. I went into the living room, the dining room and the kitchen but couldn’t identify what was causing it. I wanted to give up but it was nagging me. Finally I realized The sound wasn’t coming from outside the bedroom. It was coming from inside the bedroom. Something in my room was making the sound. I followed the noise until I found the source. It was in the hallway/closet area leading to the master bath. A distinct clicking sound. Once I discovered the source I realized that wasn’t the only sound. there was another noise. The sound of an animal scurrying. My adrenaline started to flow. What was it? Did I have mice, rats or something else in my closet? What should I do? Should I call an exterminator? Should I take care of it myself? Was it dangerous? Rabid? Did I have the means to kill it? My mind raced. I couldn’t formulate a plan or figure out what to do. Then I heard the noise again. It wasn’t coming from the closet. It was coming from the light fixture in the hallway. The clicking sound followed by the scurrying. I stared at the light for a minute or two. What was it? Something trapped in the ceiling? In the wall? I couldn’t decide what to do. Finally I flipped the light switch on to see better. When I did that I could see the problem. It wasn’t an animal caught in my ceiling. It was a bug. A giant bug. A giant bug trapped in the fixture trying to get out. It looks like a cockroach. It is big enough to make a loud noise as it hits the cover. I am relived I found the source. Now what do I do? I don’t like the noise but I don’t really want to remove the cover, unleash a cockroach in my bedroom and try to hunt it down. I will just make it through the night and assess the situation in the morning. Though I have a feeling I will be sleeping uneasy and having dreams about bugs.

Going to a movie

6:15pm Saturday evening. At a movie. First time in over a year. Feels nice to be out m. Also feels kind of reckless. Not many people wearing face coverings. I am with my daughter and her friend. They wanted to come so they could sneak around and go into scary movies. I am just sitting back and trying to relax

Peace in the suffering

8:57am Saturday morning, palm desert. I often get anxious and frustrated. When I can’t quickly find peace I begin to panic. I start to believe I am trapped in an awful situation with no way out. I think about running away. Of trying to escape. Of death and dying. I would do anything to stop the suffering. Sometimes I go for walks. Get drunk. Try to distract myself. Then when I don’t think I can endure any longer the moment passes. I look back and wonder how it got so desperate. How I almost broke. I vow to change my circumstances. To change who I am. To never make myself that vulnerable again. But before long I feel happiness. I enjoy a moment of peace. At those times I forget how scared I was. What was at stake. How I nearly broke down, almost lost myself and nearly died. I go back to ignoring my worries and skip through life. Until I start to feel the fear and it starts all over again.