Peace in the suffering

8:57am Saturday morning, palm desert. I often get anxious and frustrated. When I can’t quickly find peace I begin to panic. I start to believe I am trapped in an awful situation with no way out. I think about running away. Of trying to escape. Of death and dying. I would do anything to stop the suffering. Sometimes I go for walks. Get drunk. Try to distract myself. Then when I don’t think I can endure any longer the moment passes. I look back and wonder how it got so desperate. How I almost broke. I vow to change my circumstances. To change who I am. To never make myself that vulnerable again. But before long I feel happiness. I enjoy a moment of peace. At those times I forget how scared I was. What was at stake. How I nearly broke down, almost lost myself and nearly died. I go back to ignoring my worries and skip through life. Until I start to feel the fear and it starts all over again.

Eventful

7:25pm had an eventful afternoon. Have to make some staffing changes in light of census challenges. Takes with my supervisor. She is supportive. Of me and my decisions. I realize she is more scared of me quitting than I should be of getting fired. Which is refreshing. I want to succeed. I will succeed . I am succeeding. I have succeeded.

Low key and a glimpse

10:28am I drove to the office this morning to work on a presentation for tomorrow. As I drove I thought about chaplaincy, sales and operations. The three jobs I have had in my twenty two plus year career. Being the hospice chaplain was far and away the best. Sales were far and away the worst. I miss being the chaplain. I am relieved I don’t do sales. Operations aren’t bad. But not my passion. I am not a hard charger. A visitor who interviewed me for this job described me as “low key.” I get that a lot. “Quiet” “low key” “calm presence” those are good traits for a Chaplain, not as much for a leader. Definitely not good traits for sales. As I pulled into the office I had a glimpse of remembering what it felt like to be the chaplain. To not worry about job security. To not be constantly scared of reprimand or dismissal.

Transformation

The ability to reach your objective comes from the most desperate, scared, panic induced time of your existence.

When you feel like you will actually be destroyed the only answer is forward.

Stress will eat you alive. Stay in it.

When you have to let go, breathe, blank out your mind, re charge then go back.

Stay longer than before.

Find it again. Stay longer.

Transform and condition your mind to be someone better than you ever thought possible.