Tag: security

Finding Peace

9:31am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 5, 2022. Around 4am this morning a feeling of peace washed over me. It was a deep relaxing peace, reminiscent of visiting my parents home in my 20’s. Their house was always a safe haven I could leave to find adventure and, more importantly, always return to when I longed for love and security. Yesterday I lamented the inability to ever feel innocent again. Now I have felt it for almost five hours. It is so rare, I am savoring every minute and dreading when it inevitably goes away.

I think I feel guilty

6:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, December 07, 2021. Accessing the computer system at work requires a security app for remote verification on a personal device. I instructed the new employee what to download and made small talk while it installed. When a minute had passed she scrolled through the many apps cluttering her screen until she got to the last page. There, her finger hesitated over the familiar red tile of a popular dating app. We both froze and acted awkward until I looked away and pretended not to notice. Then, as if unsure what to do next, she shuffled it out of sight. We completed the set up and moved on. The whole exchange lasted less than two seconds and was quickly forgotten. I kind of feel guilty about it, but to be honest, I am not entirely sure why.

Confluence

There is this confluence in my life where a lot of things happened together. A nexus. One was the five years of being the chaplain. I loved that job but after five years it had become stale. I wanted to try something new. Second, I became a parent. That changed my world outlook and made me more anxious. Third was the financial crisis. That disrupted our lives. I felt I had to make more money. I have gotten into a worldview rut. I don’t mind the things I have done. Sales, travel, operations. But I would like to feel that security and enjoyment of being a chaplain again at work. I am exhausted

Success puzzle

2:02pm at a new rest stop, just past the Arizona state line. Sunday Father’s Day. This is the latest I have had a first post in a long time. Success is like a puzzle. Since 2009 I have been trying. I keep doing the same thing and getting the same results. I have traded out the puzzle- sales, operations, entrepreneurship. But I stack the pieces the same. I try hard. I give a good effort. But I don’t ignite. Take off. Find security. Growth. Change language: I approach opportunities in innovative ways. I find success. I grow. I expand. I flow.

Transformation

I am beginning to see everyday the process of transformation. 2 1/2 years ago I thought the process would be simple and easy. It has not. I constantly am pulled back to security and comfort in a job that does not provide it. I must let go but many factors, most importantly money keep me stuck in past energy. I am inching toward a new career and existence.