Letter

5:49am Dear Mike, if you are reading this in the future you want to know what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing on this particular day. 6:06am I stopped writing this post for a moment. I had to think. If I am writing something that only future me would see I would share things I keep hidden from other people. Things that would really remind me what I am going through on this day. But sharing those things beyond a letter to only future me could be potentially awkward. Everyday I do weird things. I have thoughts about intimacy and sex. I have interactions with people I don’t mention. I leave all that stuff out because I don’t want people like my wife, my daughter, my mom or the WIL to know about them. But that is what I am going through. That is who I truly am. How do I reconcile writing honestly for myself and others? I am quiet. I am reserved. I am in a position of leadership. I have been a spiritual counselor. How would people react if they knew I had a “dark” side? That I have desires? I feel secretive, deceptive, dishonest. Do all people have things they hide and would be embarrassed if people found out?

Inner person

7:55am the inner person is vibrant, confident, deep thinking. He has a million thoughts, hopes and dreams. The outer me is shallow. He goes to bed alone. He wakes up alone. He seldom interacts with anyone or shares a thought before arriving at work. He does not have deep conversations with people. No one knows his hopes, dreams, ideas, plans. Only I know the inner me. My most intimate relationship will always be with a voice inside my head.

Contradiction of goals

7:27am in car, getting ready to drive to work. I say I want to achieve results but really I want peace of mind. I say I want to be known but I crave anonymity. Peace of mind and anonymity are dominant desires. I keep getting the same results. But I keep striving for being known and getting results.

Inner peace v results

1:21am Tuesday. Moment of clarity. The first part of my career was helping people achieve inner peace. My personal goal was inner peace. The last twelve years have been spent trying to achieve results. Specific results in the outside world.