Tag: Spirituality

Before me now

4:06pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday afternoon, August 26, 2022. The last fourteen years have been spent prioritizing emotionally what once was, rather than looking forward to what can be. I don’t blame myself; the heart wants what it wants. But I am tired of lamenting loss and scheming to regain the past. I want to focus on the present and experience the gifts which lie before me now.

Our Lady of the Holy Trinity

4:56pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Saturday evening, July 9, 2022. I was excited was to see the conservation easement on the monastery land in Huntsville, Utah has been finalized. I have written about Our Lady of the Holy Trinity Trappist Monastery a couple of times. It is such a sacred place for so many people in the area I grew up (Southwest Wyoming/Northern Utah). Though the monks are no longer there (except for those in the cemetery) the powerful energy they created remains to this day.

Waves of the collective ocean

4:47pm, at a trampoline park, Orange County, California, Saturday afternoon, April 2, 2022. The human soul is prone to sink by default; constantly threatening to drown in defeat, suffocating under embarrassment and flailing through uncontrollable loss. We are fated to a life of learning how to existentially swim as it were. That is, develop our own personal technique to rise above this un-chosen destiny. It is the only way to achieve anything that approaches true happiness. Of course, peace is not found through aggressive defiance. Constantly fighting negative experience simply burns a person out. No, true happiness is found when we accept our circumstance without giving in to it; floating along on the waves, being one with the collective ocean, available to the rare times tranquility finds us and gives us respite. After all, perpetual joy can’t be found and human suffering is never eradicated, but the few times we do accomplish such things are worth the effort life asks of us.

A chaplain again

11:33am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, March 13, 2022. In December of last year, I wrote about almost having to go out as a chaplain for work. In that instance one of the other spiritual counselors ended up taking call. However, since that time, our support services on-call rotation was disbanded. That meant when a patient died and the family requested spiritual care this morning, it was I who went out. The patient lived 50 miles north of me so by the time I got there the family had left, but I provided support to the community staff and offered prayer over the patients body until the mortuary arrived. The experience was profound for me. I need to get back to who I truly am.

The energy of my youth

2:29pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday afternoon, February 4, 2022. The energy of my youth was passive, quiet and indulgent; Vast swaths of solitude peppered with sporadic adventure in a safe, familiar home. Happiness was being surrounded by family, thinking comforting thoughts and indulging familiar accoutrements. Now the world demands a different version of me. I am a father, a boss, an authority figure. I give direction, dictate adventure and provide safety. The child within no longer exists, I can not return to the energy of my youth.

The feeling never changes

5:55am, apartment, chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 19, 2022. If I wake up at 2am I am frustrated because it is too early to get out of bed. If I wake up at 3am I am frustrated because it is too late to go back to sleep. If I wake up at 4am I am frustrated because I have to get up. If I wake up at 5am I am frustrated I overslept. Why do I act like experience is the cause of my feelings instead of the other way around? The feeling never changes inside me, just my excuse.

Internal identity/ External projection

5:43am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday morning, January 15, 2022. My internal identity is who I am. It is what inspires me, gives me joy and propels me to interact with the world. My external projection is what people see me as. It is the job I work, the relationships I keep, the values I hold. The more my internal narrative aligns with my external projection the happier I am. When they are aligned I am confident, attractive and successful. Here is a brief history of my internal narratives: In high school I was a rock star/baseball player. In college a rock star. In seminary I was a writer. After graduation I was an actor, then a writer again. Looking back I notice times my internal narrative and external projection did not align. Those were the darkest times of my life and subsequently, the times I felt most alone. For the past year I have felt aligned. Writing this blog is who I am internally. Sharing it with you gives me purpose. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.

A Dark Cloud of Emptiness

7:08am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, December 19, 2021. A dark cloud of emptiness resides in every soul. This cloud causes you to feel sad and alone. You ask, “Why is this cloud here? Where did it come from? How do I get rid of it?” To which there will be no answer. So you dream, scheme, move, change, grow, conquer, rise, fall, love and lose, all trying to eradicate the intruder. But no matter what, you won’t succeed. For life is defined by two things; the adventure you have trying to defeat the cloud, and the nobility you show realizing you never can.