7:27pm (pacific) Saturday night, Dana Point, CA, December 11, 2021. I am sitting on the couch in my wife’s apartment with my daughter, watching videos and trying to stay awake. The funeral service this afternoon was exhausting. It brought back many memories, not all of which were particularly good. Still, I am glad for the chance to say goodbye one last time. After the funeral we drove home for lunch then went back out to visit friends. By the time we settled in for the evening I was ready to go to bed. I am going to change and wash up now.
Tag: Spirituality
Which is the better choice?
5:26am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 7, 2021. Which is better: To rise up and face the challenges life presents? Or to constantly attempt eliminating worry and fear on a daily basis? Facing adversity is daunting, yet noble. Eradicating stress is a futile endeavor that only makes me sad. I know which choice I should make everyday. The harder path is the only road worth taking.
Almost a chaplain again
4:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, December 05, 2021. My phone pinged when I got back from an afternoon walk. The on-call nurse asked me to give her a call. A patient’s family requested a chaplain visit and she couldn’t get a hold of anyone. I told her to give the chaplains time to respond and if neither did I would see the patient. One of them called back just as I was heading out. I was almost a hospice chaplain again.
Sunday morning
9:04am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, December 05, 2021. Sundays holds great promise but never delivers. This morning my mind is filled with infinite possibilities; I can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone I want to be. Yet before long hours will pass, afternoon will approach and I will become resigned to waking up Monday in the same life as before.
A Phone call from my Best friend
6:16pm in my apartment, chandler Arizona, Saturday evening, December 4, 2021. My best friend from high school called this evening. He was parked outside a shopping mall in Utah. We texted earlier today but haven’t talked on the phone in over a year. It was nice to talk with him. I told him I was abstaining from alcohol, he told me he was fasting. In the end we are both looking to further personal conscious our own way. I miss the philosophical conversations we had in high school and college. I am going to go out there at the beginning of the year so we can catch up.
Never enough
9:11am in my office, Phoenix, Thursday morning. I always have an undefined feeling of need for something more. a better job, a bigger house, more money, more fame, more love etc. That need remains undefined precisely because I can never fill it. There isn’t a final destination, or even a next step, there is only occasional accomplishments; vague notions I moved forward or got better in some way. They are usually not even tangible or measurable. It could be a job seemed more rewarding than the previous one. Or my base salary increased slightly. Perhaps a new living situation featured an amenity others did not. Whatever the case I scramble to appease that which can not be appeased. My life is simply trying to find peace in an existence of unrest.
Utah
6:28pm, Arizona apartment, Monday evening. Will I always be haunted by Utah? It has been so long since I lived there, even longer since being the chaplain, yet it haunts every thought I have. I am not sad but it is frustrating. I can’t go back and I can’t move forward. Utah is a gift and also a curse.
A good day
6:28am, Sunday morning, Dana Point, CA. When life is over all I really did was live thousands of individual days. Here is an example of an idealized typical day for me: From midnight to 3am I sleep. For this particular example I would have many vivid dreams that stick in my mind and make me happy. I don’t always get to have great dreams and I appreciate them when I do. Next I would wake up between 3am and 6am and go for a walk. I like to walk outside or go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I walk early in the morning because at that time I can talk to myself and let my mind wander without wondering if I look weird. I also don’t have to stress about greeting people or worry about the dog (when I have her) encountering aggressive dogs or owners that want the animals to say “hi.” (I am not asocial but I do prefer to spend most of my time in my head rather than overthinking personal interactions). After that I exercise (stretch, lift weights), go home, watch some tv, read, eat breakfast and drink coffee. I can enjoy an entire morning doing those activities plus writing a little bit, napping, paying bills, answering emails. Around 10 in the morning I would shower, iron clothes, dress, get ready all while listening to music. Between eleven and noon I would leave to have lunch with a friend or co worker. When that was over I would spend a moment alone to recharge my energy. Maybe drive to a secluded spot, sit in my car and scroll through my phone, catching up on the news of the day. Around three pm I would make chaplain visits or go into the office and interact with people. A little after five I would head home, eat dinner, watch tv and read before I fell asleep between 8pm and 9pm. There it is. What I would consider a good day (weekday at least). I like that schedule. You know what? It isn’t hard to be happy when I don’t think too much about existential issues or try to rule the world. I guess I simply need to relax and enjoy the day in front of me.
Future plans
6:14am Thursday morning, apartment in Arizona. Three weeks until thanksgiving. My daughter has gotten into the show Steven Universe. We texted the last two nights about it. I have watched the movie with her and am going to California this weekend to hang out with her and get caught up on the episodes. On a personal note, I haven’t drank alcohol since Sunday, October 24, 2021. I plan to abstain until the end of the year. Not for any particular reason, I am just tired of feeling depressed for two days after I drink. I am sticking to my plan to move back to California in March (or sooner) I will either pay my wife to let me sleep on the couch or get a room in a house with roommates. I will let fate decide the kind of job I get and the salary I earn. Probably not the scenario I envisioned for my 50th year but it is what it is. I want to be in the closest place I have to home while my daughter attends high school.
Paradise City
8:20pm, Wednesday night, Arizona, laying in bed. “Rags to riches or so they say, Ya gotta keep pushin’ for the fortune and fame, You know it’s all a gamble when it’s just a game, Ya treat it like a capital crime, Everybody’s doin’ the time.” Guns & Roses, Paradise City. I don’t know what I consider success. I am not going to make a lot of money. I don’t truly want to be famous. What am I trying to achieve?
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