Might as well

7:55am office, Arizona, Wednesday morning. Might as well just be me. Might as well accept who I am. Might as well tell people what I am thinking and feeling. I will have all eternity to myself but only a short time left to interact with people.

Decision

1:05pm office. I made the decision to let my lease run out and return to California in March. I will start looking for jobs in January. Let’s see how well this post ages.

Springsteen

8:35am, office. My brother died 5 years ago. I grabbed some cds of his and put them in a box when we went through his stuff but hadn’t listened to them until this week. On my trip to California Saturday I brought the cds with me. One of them was Bruce Springsteen’s Darkness on the edge of town. “Poor man want to be rich, rich man want to be king and a king ain’t satisfied till he rules everything.” Badlands, Bruce Springsteen

Perspective

7:28am, Dana Point. I took my daughter and her friend to a neighborhood haunted house last night. We had fun. The kids (middle school/high school) did a good job getting into character and performing. We came home around 8pm. I went to bed shortly after but the girls stayed up, they didn’t go to sleep until 1am. Needless to say, they are still sleeping. The dog and I took a walk this morning. While coming down the hill I thought about life. Right now Arizona gives me perspective I couldn’t see in Orange County. When I lived here all I saw was stress, I couldn’t relax because work and leisure weren’t separate. No matter what I was doing my mind was thinking about my job and what I had to do. Now work is in a different state. When I am in California I leave it behind and enjoy experiences with my daughter. I am fully present watching a movie, shopping at the mall or going to a haunted house. I don’t like being far away from her but I am thankful for what we have shared the past year.

Palm desert

8:14am, palm desert. Traveling to see my daughter. Today is the 12 year anniversary of the last day I was a hospice chaplain. The time has gone quick. I want to go back to being a chaplain, even if it is for a short time. I want to remember how it feels.

France Davis

6:16am, Arizona, apartment. A prominent Utah minister had a street named after him the other day. Pastor France Davis is, according to the Salt Lake Tribune, “A civil rights legend in Utah.” He marched with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, taught at the University, and built Salt Lake City’s Cavalry Baptist into a large and influential congregation. I met Reverend Davis a couple times when I lived in Utah. I recall he was somewhat slight in stature but had what is best described as “fierce calm.” He is a man that works hard and is greatly respected. Long ago I had a copy of his biography, ‘France Davis: An American Story Told’ written by him and Nayra A. Arita. I will have to see if I can find it and read it again.

Value

7:20pm Saturday evening, Arizona. Is it too much to hope that I would be of some value to others? To connect in some capacity by providing insight into the struggle of existence? Relationships are frustrating (you always feel a little alone), but this could be something meaningful in its own way.

Two energies

8:17am Arizona, office. I have two energies, spiritual and monetary. Both are valid but spiritual is the dominant energy. For the past 12 years I have honored the less dominant energy, the monetary. I wanted to do it, to try something different, but I am tired. it is time to go back to spiritual. I found my hard copy of The Unaffiliated book I wrote nine years ago. I am going to go through it and see what I can do with it.

New boss

6:49am Wednesday. The new bosses are coming to the office today. They will arrive at 10 and leave by noon. It is an informal meeting before the acquisition closes next month. I don’t have many expectations. They didn’t choose me and I didn’t choose them. These relationships seldom work out. I will keep an open mind.

While laying in bed I thought about the importance of staying in the present. When I focus on the moment at hand I am happy. If I plan too far ahead or spend too much time thinking about the past I get sad. I don’t like being sad. I am taking time off next week to spend time in California with my daughter. That is as far as I will look ahead. Nothing else is guaranteed.

I dreamt about the WIL last night. I was an usher at a church. She walked in with her husband. Her and I didn’t talk but her husband stayed behind. He got close to me and tried to intimidate me. I kept it casual and asked how the three boys were doing. He told me the one was in the hospital. I was alarmed and asked for more details but now I can’t recall what he said. I am not sure what to make of the dream.

Fight for survival

5:28am Tuesday. It rained on my walk this morning. Little drizzling drops giving way to wet and steady precipitation. The rain was colder than I expected. I took my phone with me because I was trying to track distance. Normally I don’t have my phone. The girls at work convinced me to join an activity that requires using an app. When the rain started I had no choice but to run so as to make it home before I was soaked and my phone was ruined. When I arrived back at my place I began to towel off. And there I realized I a nagging truth. I am unremarkable, some might say, below average. Inside me is a fight for survival, success, relevance? But am I doomed to strive and never achieve?