Future

6:27am Tuesday morning. To that point I had focused on my past, trying to live in the now and make everything I had done prior fit or have meaning. I wanted life experiences to be pieces of a puzzle. I wanted to believe who I was and who I would become were connected. But the past is gone for a reason and making the present, or even the future conform to what was left behind is foolish. And dangerous.

Inner peace

2:53pm at the office, Monday afternoon. The one thing I strive for, and usually am pretty good at getting, is inner peace. that doesn’t translate to outward success but it is a nice thing to have.

Saturday, Palm Desert

7:40am Saturday morning, palm desert. Everyday I learn more what it means to sacrifice. To give up child like security for the sake of achieving a goal. So often I ventured out only to retreat to safety. The moments I spend in fear haunt me but they must be endured. I can never go back to innocence, there is no place for me there.

Purpose

6:01am Friday morning. The thought entered my mind and found purchase; If in the course of my life I changed one small circumstance would everything be different? Perhaps if I got a job that didn’t suck, or if I changed my living arrangement, would emptiness stop growing inside me? Would I cease feeling alone, could I release negative feelings and ultimately reside in peace? The questions swirled around me like detritus and the answers I found were terrible. I couldn’t change the circumstances of my life, I was killing myself for nothing and when my time came I would disappear without acknowledgement from an unforgiving world.

Conquest

8:09pm Thursday night. Seldom does peace provide lasting comfort. The moment I feel content I bear down and find more worlds to conquer. Conquest is my default setting. How can I lament anxiety when I embrace it everyday?

Wednesday morning

5:45am Wednesday morning. And if I were to let go, reclaim my identity from the past, what then? I would still be a collection of thoughts, inside a certain body, living in a certain time, bound to die a yet unforeseen death then wiped from the earth like leftover crumbs from last nights dinner. I will always be who I always am until I exist no more.

Office

9:32am Tuesday, at the office. Perhaps that is the point, to challenge myself everyday where I can barely tolerate it. Just like pleasure is fleeting so too is the struggle. To face adversity every day is just as valuable as finding joy. If i were not challenged I would be useless and dead. If I did not have joy I would have no reward. Everything flows in endless loop and must be experienced over and over. There is no perpetual, just moments.

Tuesday morning

7:03am Tuesday morning. No matter where I go or what I do I nothing is different because the beast inside my chest remains. In changes it’s name, it’s power source but the overwhelming anxiety stays in me forever. I change circumstances but I don’t change the eternal internal aggression eating away in my sternum. That is life and will be until I die

Monday morning

6:12am Monday morning. What is there to fight for, to live for, to die for? What are my hopes but random thoughts that made me feel good instead of bad? I no longer fashion a “life” that is consistently valuable, I strive for single moments that are simply less painful.

Friday morning

5:43am Friday morning. I came to realize I was in the system, a flow that shaped my existence. Whether contrived or natural I did not know. All I knew was my place and interaction with the system up until now. In my youth I was languidly passive . I wanted experiences. I partook in the rituals the system offered. Sports, dates, school, jobs, vacations. As I became older I vowed to conquer the system. To find one thing I excelled at and to rise to the top of my game. But now I realized I was not going to conquer anything. And with that what was I to do? Then it came to me. What my purpose was. All my frustration led to this moment. I was to cleanse the system. Not all of it, but the one piece I could. The one representative of my failure. I may not conquer the system but I can do my part to remove a malignancy. And wasn’t that a beautiful purpose in and of itself?