5:15pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Dublin, California, USA, Thursday evening, September 8, 2022. A little stressed about finances right now. Nothing major; just have to figure out taxes and expense reports. Also, I am aware of the need to resolve my housing situation in the next couple of months. Tomorrow I fly back to Orange County then drive to Arizona for the weekend.
Tag: stress
The to do list and stress
6:08am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, April 29, 2022. One of the biggest points of stress in my life is thinking peace resides at the end of my to do list; frantically running around trying to resolve problems (real or perceived) with the hope that tranquility is just around the corner. But I never get to the end of my list, I never relax. When all is said and done the only thing I find are more things to do. Today, I let go of that energy, at least for a little while. The weekend is coming and I am going to enjoy it.
Because we choose to destroy it
6:37pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, April 13, 2022. There are seldom moments of tranquility found in the ocean of life. For various reasons, and I have listed many in the past, contentment does not last. That is because, on a base level, we enjoy seeking out challenge to froth up stress in our lives. Happiness isn’t fleeting because it is ephemeral, but because we choose to destroy it. After all, nothing enlivens a person more than almost dying.
I miss who I once was
There was a time, many years ago, back when we lived in Utah, that my energy was entirely peaceful. That was a conscious choice and something I diligently strived to achieve. You see, as a hospice chaplain I entered hundreds of homes where patients and families dealt with the final stages of terminal illness. They did not need gregarious, over the top energy, they needed calm. It was important to convey a quiet presence when I entered a families sacred space. Therefore, I would spend hours training myself to be still; closing my eyes, slowing my breathing and repeating the mantra, “Relax, don’t worry, everything will be alright.” That was so many years ago. Now it is hard to believe that is who I used to be. These days stress is ever present, sucking my soul dry and grinding down my will to live. I can’t relax, I don’t enjoy what I do and I certainly don’t provide peace to those I meet. The man I cherished being has been lost to a swath of hazy memories. We are born to die, and losing our innocence is part of the bargain. I accept my fate but, oh how I wish I could go back. I miss who I once was, and never will be again.
I hate this job
Monday was filled with despair; threats of closing the site down, unfulfilled promises and constant haranguing about revenue left me drained. Perhaps I am getting too thin skinned to be in such a positions. For years I have worked at publicly traded, for profit organizations and constantly faced such demands. This seems more extreme. Then again, I don’t know if I dealt with it all that well in the past either. I hate this job.
The things I fear the most
6:33am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, January 14, 2022. The things I fear most: Missing out, not feeling loved, being useless. Being rejected, dying, becoming sick, falling into destitution. Not achieving objectives, failing to attain a stated goal and settling for less.
Less Anxiety
3:28pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday afternoon, January 6, 2022. I am surprised my mental state continues to be good. It is rare I appreciate what I am going through rather than constantly looking ahead. Over the past decade most of my distress came from unrealistic expectations; the women I would love, the job I would have, the amount money I would make. Now, my expectations are tempered, and so is my anxiety.
Manic breaking
5:45am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 14, 2021. I am usually a low-key guy but every now and then I have episodes where my energy gets stuck in manic mode. It is not fun when this happens because I constantly get frustrated for stupid reasons when I am manic. This past episode started a week ago. There was no discernible trigger I am aware of, I just knew it was starting because the arrival of Friday did not provide any joy whatsoever. I was in perpetual, shitty Monday energy. As a result, the last three days were useless. Thankfully, the episode broke this morning. When I went for a walk and worked out I was resigned too another crappy day. But as I was leaving the gym I looked up and saw Christmas lights on a second story balcony. In that moment a little sprig of calm caught hold in my chest and started to clear the poison. For the life of me I could not tell you why that image, that time and the particular thoughts bouncing around head broke the spell. All I know was something popped in me that had the slightest kernel of relief and that was all I needed. Ironically, a part of me wants to be upset the weekend was wasted, but to tell you the truth, I am just relieved its over.
Which is the better choice?
5:26am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 7, 2021. Which is better: To rise up and face the challenges life presents? Or to constantly attempt eliminating worry and fear on a daily basis? Facing adversity is daunting, yet noble. Eradicating stress is a futile endeavor that only makes me sad. I know which choice I should make everyday. The harder path is the only road worth taking.
High Steppin’
5:31am (Trying the letter to future self theme) What should I tell you? Yesterday you went to work. The employee you spoke with on Monday about job performance came in and resigned. That was alright. You were going to put her on a performance improvement plan. Her choosing to leave relieved stress. The day turned positive. In the afternoon you drove to Anthem. Anthem is way north of Phoenix. You went out there to get some forms signed for the LA office. The person that needed to sign the forms was not available. You met one of the chaplains up there and gave them to him to have signed. Since yesterday morning you have felt renewed. Which is nice. Wednesday was an awful day. On Wednesday you wanted more than anything to quit, find a job as a chaplain and never look back. You blew off calls with the clinical leadership of the senior living communities. You came home and took an hour and half lunch. You spent most of the day in your office with the door shut. But yesterday was different. Now you can see a path to turning the site around and making it profitable. That is a goal you want to achieve. Last night You drank two beers before dinner. It was gross. You didn’t enjoy them. They made you feel sick. And you didn’t sleep well. Beers on Thursday nights used to be the best. You woke up this morning at 3:47am. You went for a walk and worked out. You thought about work and for the most part you were happy on the walk. It is easier to be happy on Friday. It was the first walk you did both extra loops to increase distance. Your core muscles feel stronger when you walk more. On the walk you started thinking about the WIL but you made yourself stop. You were feeling hurt and cycling about being dumped by her back in 2017. Yesterday you started applying the “one day at a time” mindset to work days. You realized you need to focus on the moment. Not try to reconcile the past. Not plan the future. Writing that sentence made you think of an Avett Brothers song. “See, you can only live one day at a time, only drive one hot rod at a time, only say one word at a time, and only think one thought at a time.” The Avett Brothers, High Steppin’.
mikemeyer949 