Tag: stress

Stay put

7:24am a part of me keeps trying to get out of stress. Another part of me tries to stay. I don’t know if I want to change. The dominant force wins. the chaos of work, of being in Arizona, changing jobs all the time is how I figured out what I wanted to give my daughter. A life in Orange County. Maybe it is madness. Maybe when I look back it will all make sense. Whatever the case I always say I want to change but never do. There has to be a reason. I choose to keep living this way

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.

Monday

5:37am Monday morning. In my apartment, sitting on the couch. The Temperature outside is 84 degrees. It was a little warm on the walk this morning but It feels nice in the apartment. Usually it is stifling. I don’t run the air conditioning unless I have company. It gets expensive and feels indulgent to do it when I am alone. I am watching the weather, drinking cold water and eating a protein bar. After I went for a walk at 4am I Went to the gym at the apartment complex. I usually have the place to myself early mornings. When I got there the main door was stuck. I used my fob three times but it wouldn’t open. I had to go around to the back entrance. After I washed my hands and got a drink from he drinking fountain I Worked out. I started with push ups. Three sets of ten. After I did push ups I did flies with the Bands hanging from the racks. I try to imagine myself a gymnast doing iron crosses when I do the flies with the bands. Then did triceps with free weights and with the bands. I also stretched out my back on the bench. I feel better when I stretch out my back and abdominal muscles. It feels like they get tight from sitting around all the time. After stretching them out I feel stronger. And leaner. I had a great night last night. In fact last night and this morning were a very peaceful. I seldom say that about Sunday/Monday. I think I have figured out the trick. I just don’t think ahead. About anything. That is why I had a good night. I refused to think ahead. My stress comes from trying to create context. I try to find the perfect scenario if life. I try solve the past, present and future simultaneously. That never works. And it makes me depressed. Today I am staying in the moment. I am not going to depress myself or stress myself out.

Mindful

9:38am I am being mindful of how my thoughts create stress and fear. Especially familiar thoughts that produce familiar feelings. It seems I can’t be happy. That I will search for thoughts until I can find something that worries me. Then being worried is the state that feels familiar. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. But it is known.

Let go

7:26am I realize a lot of my stress comes from owning problems. The census at work being down bothers me. but I refuse to own it. It is a problem I am working to address. There are many areas that need improving. That is one of theme. I will come up with a plan and fix it like I do everything else. I will not allow myself to be run off. Or to give up. I am the captain. I am the leader for the entire voyage.

Trying to have it all

5:57am the first time I felt panic was in 2006. I overextended myself at work and started my MBA. I had too much going on. I tried to find peace by resolving every issue that caused stress. I failed. There was always something to solve. I couldn’t relax. I feel the same now. I keep try to find a way to make everything alright. There is never going to be that moment. This is as close as I will get. Today I will not try and solve everything. I will just be present.

Depression from avoidance

My brother and my dad lie in graves side by side in the cemetery in Evanston Wyoming. My dad died at the age of 65. My brother, 46. Both had health problems. Both suffered from depression. I know that because I am constantly susceptible to depression myself. The dark times of feeling alone no matter how many people are around me or love me. Sometimes I feel what I do in life is meaningless. Usually the feeling subsides before I get too despondent.
One source of my depression is the desire to try and escape the pressure of life. I tried for years to eradicate, or at least avoid, conflict or confrontation. I even considered that the goal of a life well lived. I searched for a place to live where I felt I was content. I looked for a job where I felt valued without being stressed. I wanted to do my job, travel home and safely envelope myself in my preferred distractions, hidden far enough away that I did have to deal with situations that were negative. But the more I stripped my life of risk, conflict or stress the more meaningless I felt. I ended up more depressed because I lacked purpose.
Stress and conflict are painful parts of existence, but they are necessary parts. Just like too much of them can do harm, too little can hurt as well.