At the height of our love

3:15pm, at a car wash in Laguna Hills, California, Saturday afternoon, March 19, 2022. My daughters mom was having a hard morning dealing with the chaos from last nights sleepover so when I got to Dana Point I took the girls to get drinks at the local coffee shop before getting lunch. After the friend went home my daughter and I came to the car wash for a long overdo vehicle cleaning. Once the car is done we will go to the apartment and watch anime the rest of the evening. Last night at the pet store the cashier complimented my tattoo. I was kind of surprised because no one has noticed it for a long time. So long that sometimes I forget it is there, even though it takes up all my upper arm. I didn’t think much of the exchange until today an employee at the coffee shop also complimented me on the tattoo. It has been over eleven years since I got it, a testament to the love the WIL and I shared so many years ago. This week has held many flashbacks of my time in Utah, none more powerful than remembering the WIL and who we were at the height of our love.

Letting go of the WIL

1:21pm, in a class at the office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 24, 2022. The past week was monumental. I never thought I would say this but; I have let go of the WIL. The woman who I loved for over a decade, who I share the most sacred parts of me and the relationship that defined me as a person is over in my mind. Working through the remnants of our relationship consumed me. Now it is complete. I am not sad, I am not hurt, just relieved. I can move forward and so can she.

The WIL’s Birthday

8:50am, sitting in my truck outside my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 23, 2021, two days before Christmas. I left my phone on the bed when I went to work this morning so I had to drive home to get it because the corporate security system won’t allow access to email without using two-step verification. I wasn’t upset I had to make the extra trip, the office is kind of boring right now. Today is the WIL’s birthday, which gives me mixed emotions. On one hand I am thinking about of her and everything we shared over the years. However, her birthday wasn’t typically a day we got to spend together since she often had plans with family and friends. I feel a million miles away from her right now. That breaks my heart because I miss her terribly, yet if I am honest, I am thankful for the reprieve.

The women I love and the places they live

4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.

The WIL and December 1st

5:43am, Wednesday morning, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, December 1. Seven years ago I was traveling for work to the Chicago area. Thanksgiving was late that year so December 1st was the Monday after the holiday. My itinerary was to fly from Orange County to Salt Lake City and connect to Chicago, however the flight was delayed. Then it was delayed again. Before long I missed my connection to Chicago all together. The airline counter agent recommended I fly to Salt Lake City. They would pay for a hotel and book me on another flight the next morning. Doing that would minimize the odds of not making it to my destination the next day as well. While some of my fellow travelers were probably annoyed, I was ecstatic. I had been texting with the WIL the entire morning, lamenting I would be in Utah but wouldn’t get to see her. Now I was staying in a hotel the airline was paying for. She came and saw me after work that day and we got to spend a couple hours together. The memory is so strong and so meaningful for many reasons, some I will keep to myself. But it is easy to say that day stands as one of the most beautiful moments we shared in a lifetime full of them.

Leaving

9am, in Dana Point, Sunday morning. My mom and I are heading back to Arizona. It was a good weekend but a little frantic. Having my mom stay so far north created some logistics issues but nothing unmanageable. I have been thinking about the WIL a lot this trip. Of course, I am always thinking about the WIL. Some days I stuff my feelings and think I can move on. Other times I realize I can never move on.

Avoiding Disappointment

7:10 pm in the apartment in Arizona, Tuesday evening. I am mindful of thoughts that don’t serve my best interest. Thoughts that start out positive but lead to feelings of sadness. Those are usually thoughts of Utah and the WIL but can reference a broader spectrum of situations as well. The more aware I am of the pitfalls associated with certain thoughts the better I get at avoiding disappointment.

Loss

9:33am Monday morning, Arizona, in the office. The WIL’s aunt passed away over the weekend. Her obituary was in the local Utah paper. I want to say something, tell her I am sorry, but I won’t. It isn’t my place to disrupt the separation she seems to want. It has been two years since we saw each other, over a year and a half since we spoke. I thought time would make things easier, but that isn’t the case at all. The loss feels more severe every moment I realize she is gone forever. I shouldn’t complain. Others are worse off. We all deal with loss; loss of health, loved ones, eventually our very lives. But today hurts more than usual.

WIL

8:02am Thursday. Today was the day the WIL and I considered our anniversary. It is the second year in a row we haven’t talked on it. A lot of mixed emotions

New boss

6:49am Wednesday. The new bosses are coming to the office today. They will arrive at 10 and leave by noon. It is an informal meeting before the acquisition closes next month. I don’t have many expectations. They didn’t choose me and I didn’t choose them. These relationships seldom work out. I will keep an open mind.

While laying in bed I thought about the importance of staying in the present. When I focus on the moment at hand I am happy. If I plan too far ahead or spend too much time thinking about the past I get sad. I don’t like being sad. I am taking time off next week to spend time in California with my daughter. That is as far as I will look ahead. Nothing else is guaranteed.

I dreamt about the WIL last night. I was an usher at a church. She walked in with her husband. Her and I didn’t talk but her husband stayed behind. He got close to me and tried to intimidate me. I kept it casual and asked how the three boys were doing. He told me the one was in the hospital. I was alarmed and asked for more details but now I can’t recall what he said. I am not sure what to make of the dream.