Tag: the WIL

Morning

5:45am the weather was slightly cooler this morning. Nicer than the previous two days. I remembered to bring water for the dog. The sidewalk is still hot even at 4:30am. I thought about the WIL this morning. And family trips we took when my daughter was in elementary school. I remember how summer used to feel when I was 11/12 years older. What life felt like. The world was filled with possibility. Every experience became a part of the foundation that would shape my life perspective. As I got older I still felt the joy of accumulating moments to remember. Especially the time in Utah, as the chaplain, with the woman I love. I haven’t felt much lately. I glide through life mostly numb. Age, pandemic, lockdown, disappointment have worn me down. I am not complaining. I am still alive living life.

Be present

5:42am this week is a moment. Something that I looked forward to for a long time. My family with me for a whole week. I want to enjoy this time. Stay in the moment. Four years ago I pictured a perfect scenario with the WIL. A Sunday afternoon in the fall, us together. Having drinks, making love, holding each other, laughing. Not too long after I envisioned the scenario the opportunity fell into place. I was going to be in utah on a Sunday in September and she was able to get away for a couple hours. I was so excited. I went to the gym, worked out, showered. However as I got ready a funny thing happened. My mind started to wander. I began thinking about the things I had to do the following week. It was bizarre. I was literally in my ideal scenario with the person I love and I was not staying present. I wasn’t in the moment. I quickly saw the absurdity. But only because the events of the day were so aligned with my fantasy. If not I might never had noticed my mistake. I learned my lesson that day. Don’t waste a cherished experience by not being fully present in the moment.

Future

9:10am I am excited for the future. I never got to be happy as a father. Before my daughter was born I began grieving the loss of the chaplain, time with the WIL. When my daughter was a year old our marriage was wounded. All my happy memories were before my daughter was born. We haven’t had the “good” time of her life yet. There are good memories but not an overall good time. My wife and I have struggled. This morning I found hope. Hope that the time off happiness as a parent is in the offing. Just as the time of happiness before I was a parent eventually came as the chaplain in utah. I am ready to embrace happiness. Love. Family.