Tag: thoughts

Rabbit hole

6:15am my mind is going down a rabbit hole. I am thinking about creativity and work. Three thoughts. 1- I hold on to work because I believe that is the source of my material. 2- I hold on to work because I don’t believe I can earn money and support my family without structure and external pressure. 3- I write to relieve tension caused by work. If tension is gone will I write? If structure is gone will I go broke? If work is gone what will I write about? That is where I am. That is how I function. But I am frustrated. Because I work so much and only write as a reaction to feelings caused by work I am limited. *ABRUPT MINDSET CHANGE I create engaging and interactive content. I devote my energy to delighting people who interact with what I create.

Letter

5:49am Dear Mike, if you are reading this in the future you want to know what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing on this particular day. 6:06am I stopped writing this post for a moment. I had to think. If I am writing something that only future me would see I would share things I keep hidden from other people. Things that would really remind me what I am going through on this day. But sharing those things beyond a letter to only future me could be potentially awkward. Everyday I do weird things. I have thoughts about intimacy and sex. I have interactions with people I don’t mention. I leave all that stuff out because I don’t want people like my wife, my daughter, my mom or the WIL to know about them. But that is what I am going through. That is who I truly am. How do I reconcile writing honestly for myself and others? I am quiet. I am reserved. I am in a position of leadership. I have been a spiritual counselor. How would people react if they knew I had a “dark” side? That I have desires? I feel secretive, deceptive, dishonest. Do all people have things they hide and would be embarrassed if people found out?

Salvation please

7:25pm Friday night, I want to be saved. To find success. Or even stability. My mind is exhausted. I think a million thoughts that add up to nothing. I have written over 1000 posts. Do they matter to anyone but me? I should solicit an audience, try and connect. Someone needs to knows I am alive. That I have thoughts. That I feel emotions. Why do I stay hidden yet want to be known? I wear myself the fuck out

Writing

5:36am Thursday when I write it is like taking a picture. It is one single moment Frozen. The emotions before and after that moment are swirling. A post like this pulls one thread from my thoughts, puts it on display and says “here is what I am thinking.” However even as I write I am aware of what I don’t say. All the other thoughts, threads and emotions. If I could capture what my mind is doing right now the narrative would be lost. Words would be jumbled, picture would be flashing in and out. viewpoints would instantly change. Worries would pop up then subside. I don’t stop thinking. I mull over feelings, ideas, beliefs. I push to the extreme until my ribs ache with anxiety. Then I spend hours trying to undo the knot. I write to have something for all I go through.

Mindful

9:38am I am being mindful of how my thoughts create stress and fear. Especially familiar thoughts that produce familiar feelings. It seems I can’t be happy. That I will search for thoughts until I can find something that worries me. Then being worried is the state that feels familiar. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. But it is known.