6:32am, pacific standard time, hotel room, Henderson, Nevada, USA, Sunday morning, May 1, 2022. Landed safely in Salt Lake City, Utah yesterday morning around 9am. My mom picked me up and we headed south. We stopped for lunch in Beaver, Utah before getting to our hotel around 4pm. After resting for a bit we ate dinner at a local brewery and did some gambling before returning to the hotel at 8pm.
4:29am, pacific standard time, Sky Harbor Airport, Phoenix, Arizona, Saturday morning, April 30, 2022. Made it to Phoenix airport early for my 6:05am flight to Salt Lake City, Utah. My mom will meet me there so we can drive back to Arizona together (with an overnight stop in Nevada) I look forward to seeing my mom, going on a road trip together, and seeing Utah again.
5:37am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday morning, April 28, 2022. Living alone has benefits; you go to bed when you want, you control the television remote and you have final say on all home decor decisions. But there are drawbacks to living alone; without other people around it is easy to cycle on negative thoughts, feel lonely and get depressed. My mom is coming out this weekend. I am flying to Salt Lake City, Utah early Saturday morning to meet her so we can drive back to Arizona together. It will be nice to see her again (She hasn’t been out since Christmas) and it will be beneficial to have another person in the apartment for a couple weeks.
3:15pm, at a car wash in Laguna Hills, California, Saturday afternoon, March 19, 2022. My daughters mom was having a hard morning dealing with the chaos from last nights sleepover so when I got to Dana Point I took the girls to get drinks at the local coffee shop before getting lunch. After the friend went home my daughter and I came to the car wash for a long overdo vehicle cleaning. Once the car is done we will go to the apartment and watch anime the rest of the evening. Last night at the pet store the cashier complimented my tattoo. I was kind of surprised because no one has noticed it for a long time. So long that sometimes I forget it is there, even though it takes up all my upper arm. I didn’t think much of the exchange until today an employee at the coffee shop also complimented me on the tattoo. It has been over eleven years since I got it, a testament to the love the WIL and I shared so many years ago. This week has held many flashbacks of my time in Utah, none more powerful than remembering the WIL and who we were at the height of our love.
4:27pm, office in Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, March 16, 2022. College basketball tournaments started this week. That makes me miss Utah. When we lived in Centerville I always took a week off of work to celebrate the beginning of spring. The turn of the season and the abundance of high quality basketball lifted my spirits and made me happy. It is such a beautiful time of year in Utah; wet, powerful storms blow across the mountains and leave gorgeous clouds draped against bright, blue skies. These days I don’t take time off like I used to, and I haven’t been to Utah in March since 2019. Becoming a father, losing touch with the WIL, and moving to Arizona has changed my priorities. Now I schedule my time off to coincide with my daughters spring break. I am not complaining, just remembering who I was. I am thankful for what I have gained over the years, while I still lament the beauty I have lost.
4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.
6:16pm in my apartment, chandler Arizona, Saturday evening, December 4, 2021. My best friend from high school called this evening. He was parked outside a shopping mall in Utah. We texted earlier today but haven’t talked on the phone in over a year. It was nice to talk with him. I told him I was abstaining from alcohol, he told me he was fasting. In the end we are both looking to further personal conscious our own way. I miss the philosophical conversations we had in high school and college. I am going to go out there at the beginning of the year so we can catch up.
3:40pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday, December 1, 2021. Some updates: My mom flew back to Utah/Wyoming this morning. It was a nice visit. She is going to come out again for Christmas. My daughter texted me yesterday saying she had a bad day. She didn’t respond when I tried to find out what happened but apparently the principal said she has to make up time she missed while out “sick” back in September (not sure what that means but it is probably close to a week!) My wife had big meetings at her job yesterday and last night. She is still in meetings today so I haven’t gotten details. The CEO flew in from England to meet with her. For me, I got my COVID vaccine booster shot yesterday and I am dragging ass today.
5:43am, Wednesday morning, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, December 1. Seven years ago I was traveling for work to the Chicago area. Thanksgiving was late that year so December 1st was the Monday after the holiday. My itinerary was to fly from Orange County to Salt Lake City and connect to Chicago, however the flight was delayed. Then it was delayed again. Before long I missed my connection to Chicago all together. The airline counter agent recommended I fly to Salt Lake City. They would pay for a hotel and book me on another flight the next morning. Doing that would minimize the odds of not making it to my destination the next day as well. While some of my fellow travelers were probably annoyed, I was ecstatic. I had been texting with the WIL the entire morning, lamenting I would be in Utah but wouldn’t get to see her. Now I was staying in a hotel the airline was paying for. She came and saw me after work that day and we got to spend a couple hours together. The memory is so strong and so meaningful for many reasons, some I will keep to myself. But it is easy to say that day stands as one of the most beautiful moments we shared in a lifetime full of them.
7:10 pm in the apartment in Arizona, Tuesday evening. I am mindful of thoughts that don’t serve my best interest. Thoughts that start out positive but lead to feelings of sadness. Those are usually thoughts of Utah and the WIL but can reference a broader spectrum of situations as well. The more aware I am of the pitfalls associated with certain thoughts the better I get at avoiding disappointment.
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