Tag: Utah

Utah

6:28pm, Arizona apartment, Monday evening. Will I always be haunted by Utah? It has been so long since I lived there, even longer since being the chaplain, yet it haunts every thought I have. I am not sad but it is frustrating. I can’t go back and I can’t move forward. Utah is a gift and also a curse.

Time and Place

6:08am apartment Friday morning, Arizona. When I was in utah I was wedded to that place. My body pulsated with power. I was invigorated by the energy, the sites, the feeling of existing in a perfect moment. In utah my job completely defined me. I was the unaffiliated Hospice chaplain from wyoming and I was proud. That feeling came to an end January, 2008. the job ended in 2009. I left utah in 2012. To this day my heart and soul still belong to that time, that place, that job. Now, I have been in exile one way or another for almost 14 years. I still pine for that place, that job, that time but I don’t feel the pull to go back to utah as strongly as I once did. So much time has passed and there is no hope to see the WIL. I guess Orange County is home now but it isn’t the same, it isn’t ethereal like utah. Maybe it will be someday. After all, I despised high school but when I graduated I missed the time and place terribly. Maybe when I look back at Orange County I will realize it is the place I am supposed to be all along. We will see. I guess nothing will ever be utah again. If that is the case at least I got to feel that great one time in my life.

Feeling

5:42am I don’t feel much any more. My emotions are too scarred from years of anxious thought. What is the point of recounting the past? I am not who I once was. I will never will be that version of me again. A fleeting glimpse of the sun bursting through fluffy clouds above the mountains. Being intimate with the woman I love. Long drives through parts of northern Utah only I know. For so long I held on to those thoughts. Cherished them. Now they only remind me that I will disappear from the earth. I will die just as will everything I love.

Monastery mornings

7:05am I checked the Salt Lake Tribune and noticed there was a new book coming out called “Monastery Mornings: My Unusual Boyhood Among the Saints and Monks.” The Author is Michael O’Brien. An attorney in Salt Lake City. The book is about his trips to Holy Trinity Abbey in Huntsville, Utah. I have written about the monastery before. (Side note: I need to start adding tags to posts) I often visited the monastery with my mother and on my own when I was a hospice chaplain in Utah. It closed four years. I still cry realizing I can’t go to the chapel and sit in contemplation.

Carolyn Tanner Irish

https://www.sltrib.com/religion/2021/06/29/first-woman-lead-utahs/

I met Carolyn Tanner Irish shortly after she was installed as Bishop of Utah Episcopal Diocese. I was doing a unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) at St. Mark’s Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah. I have been thinking about that time a lot lately. CPE was 25 years ago this year. And St. Mark’s is owned by the company I will be an employee of starting tomorrow.

Be present

5:42am this week is a moment. Something that I looked forward to for a long time. My family with me for a whole week. I want to enjoy this time. Stay in the moment. Four years ago I pictured a perfect scenario with the WIL. A Sunday afternoon in the fall, us together. Having drinks, making love, holding each other, laughing. Not too long after I envisioned the scenario the opportunity fell into place. I was going to be in utah on a Sunday in September and she was able to get away for a couple hours. I was so excited. I went to the gym, worked out, showered. However as I got ready a funny thing happened. My mind started to wander. I began thinking about the things I had to do the following week. It was bizarre. I was literally in my ideal scenario with the person I love and I was not staying present. I wasn’t in the moment. I quickly saw the absurdity. But only because the events of the day were so aligned with my fantasy. If not I might never had noticed my mistake. I learned my lesson that day. Don’t waste a cherished experience by not being fully present in the moment.

Palm desert

9:31am made it to palm desert. Enjoying the drive. Memories of being a sales leader for skilled nursing. I realize I don’t say much about that. The memories are not on par with being the chaplain but it is the second most valued work experience. I traveled around California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona. Also went to Ohio, Michigan, Washington, Colorado for that job. Palm desert was one of my buildings. I stayed here often. Feels comfortable.

Monastery

One of my favorite places in the world is the Holy Trinity Abbey in Huntsville, Utah. Holy Trinity Abbey was a Trappist Monastery that closed in 2017. I would often drive out there and sit in the chapel. The silence of the place was powerful. When it closed I felt a piece of me die. This morning in the Ogden paper I read a group is raising money to purchase the land and place a permanent conservation easement on it. I texted my mom. She was the one who showed me the monastery back in the days when they made their own honey and bread to sell in the gift shop.

On another note. The pews at the chapel were bought by a Greek Orthodox Church in salt lake. I want to go visit that church to see them again.

I always planned to do a weekend retreat in Huntsville but never did. My first job at the state hospital doing clinical pastoral education we did a field trip and met with the brothers. Lots of great memories of the monastery.

Focus

In 2019 Jason Shelley was the heir apparent at quarterback for the university of utah football team. He was going to be the starter of a nationally ranked team. People are excited about his abilities and what he can do. Presumably Jason Shelley dreamed of winning games scoring touchdowns and the roar of the crowds adulation.

They brought in Cam Rising. Though he hasn’t played a snap people are more excited by his potential. He has the buzz. Then before practice even begins utah lands a graduate transfer jake Bentley to play quarterback.

This is where the squares and patterns become prominent. What was the original objective of Jason Shelley. To lead the team to touchdowns win football games, make the playoff and win a championship. The circles didn’t change.

But the squares and patterns changed. Does coach doubt me? What made him doubt me? Do they see something I don’t? What did I do wrong? What does he hate me? This is my job, he said so last year. I haven’t had a chance to practice as much. They aren’t even looking at my film.

That is the static, all the emotional and narrative energy that flows through our minds.

Imagine what rickie Fowler had to block out. He was just voted over rated. He probably wanted to stick it to his peers. He was dreaming of the cameras flashing hugging his loved ones, putting the trophy on his mantle. But you see his focus. His mind didn’t wander from the objective. To the good the bad, the confusing, scary or frustrating.

Emotions and feelings are infinitely powerful and they can pull you off your objective like a gust of wind on a high rope.