Walk

5:50am There was no rain this morning so I went for a walk. I circled the block then cut right into the adjacent neighborhood. Fallen tree limbs from last nights storm cluttered portions of the side walk. Giant bugs with buzzing wings attempted flight to avoid my steps. I became distracted thinking about sports statistics. The tension in my throat eased and for a fifteen minutes I was at peace. It was a good walk.

Morning

7:43am At the top of the hill we turned left. Our path became narrow and uneven with low hanging branches overhead.The dog pulled her lead so I took in the slack. Stillness enveloped us. The only sounds were those I created; keys jangling in my pocket, water sloshing rhythmically in the bottle, the sound of my own breathing. For a moment the sun peeked out from behind the marine layer. The air instantly felt thick. I absently wished for a breeze or another cloud. Luckily both arrived. Then my thoughts turned to work. I decided a job can define limits on time and freedom like bars in a prison cell. That work can appear like an unnecessary construct that robs us of peace. Yet without those limits what would we truly do? It is easy to believe the lack of freedom keeps one from finding peace. But perhaps that is misdirection. The surrender of freedom to a job hides the inability to find peace rather than causes it.

Walking

8:45am After that, I went for walks by myself up the hill behind our old home. The strolls took on a different energy after the move. I was a tourist, not a resident. When I lived there I returned to our apartment after a walk, made breakfast and watched the morning sun shimmer on homes across the way. Now I get in my car and drive away. Who is to say which is best? My ego wants the home with the ocean view. But was I happier? No.

Follow up

3:29pm By the time I got to Palm Desert I realized I couldn’t see my friend and make it to Dana Point in time. I texted her to say I got a late start. She replied, “Hi there. Bummer. See u next time.” When I got to the apartment I found a parking spot on the street. The sun was warm. A cool breeze blew off the ocean. I unpacked and changed then took the dog for a walk down the path that circled the complex. An overweight man nodded as we walked by. Kids on electric scooters raced down the path ahead of us. I felt content in the last remnants of the warm afternoon.

Sunday morning

9:20am you are in the bedroom in Dana point. You woke up this morning and went for a walk with the dog. You got gas and washed the car, bought treats for the dog then coffee with breakfast for everyone. Your daughter is showing you videos she made. She is being so creative. She is proud and happy. That is all you care about in the world.

Journey man redux

5:47am in the apartment. Took the dog for a long walk this morning. We are both tired. I know I mentioned before that my post chaplain career has felt like being a “journeyman” professional athlete. I bounce from team to team. I seldom stay for more than a season. I am never settled, never at home. I have a particular set of skills that are valuable to a team. I fill a needed position. I show up, work hard and get paid. After a while the team management decides to go in a different direction or try something new. I update my resume, look for a new opportunity, get a new job and the cycle repeats. It hasn’t been terrible. I get to travel. I make decent money. But it is tiring not having a permanent job. I miss stability. I miss having peace of mind. I want to wake up and not feel like I am about to be fired every single day I go to work. How long can I continue to do this? Will I miss it when it is over? And most importantly, what is the alternative? What will I do if I am not doing this?

Last post

In my office in south Phoenix. 8:12am. I have a call starting in three minutes. But wanted to capture this thought. The last post represented a shift in mindset. The morning walk started with thinking about the WIL and how I can get over her. By the time I got home and sifted through my thoughts it evolved to insight about my relationships, marriage and commitment. 8:28am back from my morning call. The thought I was completing before I left…the other night I woke up after 12am and felt everything could be new. The last post was a perfect example of that. I can change my perspective and not be stuck in old patterns. I want to change. Enjoy life again

Friday Morning

5:33am, sitting at my computer in the Chandler apartment. Just finished going for a walk and working out at the complex gym. When I went for my walk it was cold and rainy. I had to grab my rain jacket. I haven’t worn a coat on my morning walk in months. Around 2am last night I started hearing thunder and seeing streaks of lightning through the bedroom window. The rain started shortly after and hasn’t stopped. The drainage area in the neighborhood was already full. The commute this morning is going to be slowed by flash floods. On the walk I thought about relationships. I reminisced about the ones I had in the past, the ones I am in now and the possibility of one in the future. I started to think about being with someone new. Feeling the excitement of falling in love. What would be the cost of trying? What would I have to do to make it happen? The fact is I am still married. No matter the strained state of our relationship we are still together. In our own unique way we remain committed to the promises we made two decades ago. I can’t go on a dating site and meet someone if I am still married. That being said, we could get a divorce. We talked about it this week. It isn’t outside the realm of possibility. That would free me and my wife to move on. We could admit it is over and make a fresh start with someone else. I am not sure about my wife but that is not a price I am not willing to pay. If we get a divorce we would no longer be a “family.” We would be split and most likely create two new families. If that happened I fear my relationship with my daughter would be destroyed. I would not get to spend as much time with her or see her. Especially if I meet someone who has children of her own. I can’t speak for my wife. Maybe she wants a divorce. If so I will go through with it but if I have the choice I choose to stay. No matter how dysfunctional we are right now we are still a family and we are still making it work. As much as I would like to meet someone I won’t sacrifice what I have with my wife and daughter.

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.

Poet

5:48am Friday. This morning on my walk I realized who I am. I am a poet. Not in a romantic sense. Or a professional. Or even good at the craft. Rather if I was left alone, if I had to fill my time, I would sit silently, think and write. That is my default setting. I always knew that. Yet it was difficult to declare. I thought in order to say that I needed to be talented. I needed adoration. I needed to earn money. Today on my walk I accepted I can be who I am.