Is this weird?

5:56pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, December 06, 2021. I have to share something I find disconcerting, please tell me what you think. In an attempt to save money the company I work for has us collect pre-employment drug screen urine samples in the office. That means the social worker I hired, who is female, will come to the office for the soul purpose of peeing. It will be the first time we meet face-to-face. I am to walk her to the bathroom and stand outside so she can do her thing. When she comes out she is to hand me her pee so I can ship it to an out-of-state lab. I have to ask: Is that weird? It feels extremely weird. For both of us. I bribed an assistant with free breakfast tomorrow to collect the sample.

Letter

5:49am Dear Mike, if you are reading this in the future you want to know what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing on this particular day. 6:06am I stopped writing this post for a moment. I had to think. If I am writing something that only future me would see I would share things I keep hidden from other people. Things that would really remind me what I am going through on this day. But sharing those things beyond a letter to only future me could be potentially awkward. Everyday I do weird things. I have thoughts about intimacy and sex. I have interactions with people I don’t mention. I leave all that stuff out because I don’t want people like my wife, my daughter, my mom or the WIL to know about them. But that is what I am going through. That is who I truly am. How do I reconcile writing honestly for myself and others? I am quiet. I am reserved. I am in a position of leadership. I have been a spiritual counselor. How would people react if they knew I had a “dark” side? That I have desires? I feel secretive, deceptive, dishonest. Do all people have things they hide and would be embarrassed if people found out?

Mortality

5:27am Thursday. I don’t know if I can be honest. Weird post: I am dealing with constipation. It has been a week. It scares me. My dad died of a bowel obstruction. I am feeling mortal

My objective?

My objective, my energy is all messed up. My mind and emotions short circuit in an electrical storm when I try to pin it down. It feels so weird.

$10,000

Weird

I go into this weird state where I have energy, time to do stuff but I get all pissy and anxious and end up just stewing. Sometimes I don’t have any energy and other times I can’t properly direct it. How do I get it flowing and growing?